Former Labour MP seeks return to power

A former Labour MP has called upon the party’s caucus to cease its infighting and unite for the good of the country.

Dwayne Baker, who was a Labour list MP from 2008 until his ejection from the party in mid-2011, said it was time to accept that Labour had made a mistake in appointing as leader someone without sufficient experience.

And he said he had a solution to Labour’s woes.

“You’re looking at him,” he told reporters.

Mr Baker, who calls himself “The Dude”, had a controversial career as a member of parliament. He was suspended from Labour’s caucus in early 2011, after numerous disciplinary problems, including publicly insulting the party’s leader and announcing he was planning to vote for National.

Baker was reinstated after promising to moderate his behaviour, but was finally ejected from the party after telling broadcaster John Campbell on live television that cabinet minister Paula Bennett was a “hot babe”, and that he would “totally, like, tap that.”

Baker said David Shearer was not the man to lead Labour back into power.

“No way, man, he’s totally square. And forget about that Cunliffe guy. Oh, sure, he’s a smooth-as talker, and he’s got a big brain, but has he got it where it matters?” Mr Baker patted his crotch.

“Will he drive the ladies mad with desire? Will they tear their clothes off to get to him?”

Baker said he had attributes that all the other potential candidates lacked.

“The Dude is a lovin’ machine, and all the babes know it. They all want some of this.” Mr Baker again patted his crotch, while gyrating his hips. “Make me leader and watch the ladies come.”

Baker said it was time Labour’s policies were made more relevant to ordinary working people.

“The ladies don’t care about the economy, health or education. Once they see me on the TV they’ll want just one thing.

“If I’m leader and Labour wins the next election, I promise to give every woman who votes for Labour the chance to have a piece of this action. Except for old ladies and the really ugly ones, ‘cos I ain’t goin’ there.

“All they gotta do is vote, and in return I’ll do my utmost to give each and every one of them the thing they most desperately need.”

The former MP said he was seeking a return to politics because he felt he could make a difference.

“When I was an MP I had all this cash, and there was heaps of money to spend on piss-ups with my mates. But now I’m on the dole. How am I meant to live on this lousy money? Even with all the TVs and other shit we steal, it’s not enough to get by on.

“Baz and the boys are missing those all-day drinking sessions. And being broke is cramping my style and affecting my lovelife. Shit, we really need that money.”

Baker said he thought his expulsion from the Labour Party in 2011 would not be a problem.

“Don’t go bringing me down with The Man and all his rules,” said Baker. “I stand ready to forgive all those people and their fascist rules about how the party has to run.

“They never needed to tell me any of that shit about how to run a party. If there’s one thing The Dude knows it’s how to party.”

Labour leader David Shearer said in response that he was not interested in ongoing speculation over his leadership.

“Look, I don’t pay any attention to these reports,” said Shearer. “ I’ve got more important things to get on with, like finishing my latest emergency round of media training.”

A number of other Labour MPs said Baker would not be welcomed back.

One described him as a “vile misogynistic creep”, while another said she would set herself alight on the steps of Parliament before allowing Baker to return to the party in any capacity.

“He’s stands for everything I despise,” said the MP. “The drug-addled fool goes on like he’s God’s gift to women, but look at him. I pity any woman who crosses his path.”

But Baker said he was unfazed by the criticism.

“They so uptight they just gotta learn to relax, my man,” he said.

“Those Labour peeps just gotta let their hair down and let it happen, just like The Dude does. You know what, my man? I might just get wasted right now. You got a light? This weed I have here is some of Aotearoa’s finest shit. Care to try some?”