I just want to say that I have apologised for any offence anyone took from the behaviour of my group on Saturday night.

Hang on a minute.  Someone has pointed out that my apology wasn’t so much an apology, as a statement that I had already apologised. I’m sorry if some of you misunderstood my apology to mean that I had already apologised, when I was in fact attempting to apologise.

Oh, it appears that someone has taken offence at my last apology, because I only apologised for the misunderstanding, rather than for misleading people. I apologise if anyone has taken offence at my last apology.

Oh crap. So apparently I did it again. I’m sorry if anyone took offence… wait, I’m doing it again. I mean I’m sorry for not being clearer in my last apology that what I meant was that I’m sorry for being less than clear that my apology previous to that apology was for being unclear.

Now someone is pointing out that I didn’t apologise for my original behaviour, and I only apologised for the offence taken. I’m truly sorry that people feel as if I have not been up-front with my apology.

Wait, that wasn’t enough? Okay, so apologising for the offence taken by people over my failure to apologise isn’t enough for some people! What do these people want from me?

All-right then, I’m sorry! Sorry for whatever you want me to be sorry for. Just tell me what to say and I’ll utter the appropriate words of contrition. Just get on with it!

You what? I’m not saying that! Why should I apologise for the whole group? This is all a beat-up anyway. Do you think someone as smart as me would get himself into such a mess?

Oh, he said that, did he? Whatever happened to collective responsibility? Why should I take the heat for something I did, when there are a number of others perfectly capable of being blamed?

Here, let me give you my business card. Does it say “I’m sorry I screwed up” anywhere on it? No. Do you know why that is? Because I’m Aaron Gilmore. I don’t make mistakes. But I’m big enough and humble enough to apologise anyway, to all the thin-skinned people offended by what I may or may not have said.

I’m truly sorry that a bunch of precious people took offence, all because a group of us just wanted to have a laugh. I’m sorry, because the whole thing’s a pain in the arse, and it makes me look bad.

For that I am truly regretful.