Another day in the life of Patrick Gower

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(Read the original A day in the life of Patrick Gower here)

6:43 am

Some serious questions have to be raised about the cornflakes, after I chose toast for my breakfast. The inability of the cornflakes to inspire me for the third day running leaves toast in the ascendancy, and it’s another monumental failure for the Kellogg Company.

7:07 am

On the phone now, trying to get hold of the CEO of Kellogg’s, but they won’t put me through. I end up speaking to one of their PR flunkies, and I demand that she resigns. She refuses, and hangs up. I ring her back another twelve times, demanding that she resigns, and each time she terminates the call.

7:44 am

Do I go with a red tie, or should I wear the blue? Blue it is. So it’s another embarrassing defeat for red. This can best be described as an utter humiliation for the red tie, and blue will be well pleased with this result.

9:13 am

Just told boss about my story idea. I’m ready to stake out Kellogg’s head office in Michigan, and my bags are packed. But he tells me there’s no way TV3 will spring for tickets to the US. Gutted. I demand that he resigns.

There goes another major award.

11:52 am

I’m wishing right now that Aaron Gilmore drove a bigger vehicle. This car boot is really uncomfortable! I hope my suit isn’t too crumpled when I leap out and confront him.

12:16 pm

Gilmore refused to resign when I shoved the mike in his face, and he ran off. I gave chase, but he was too quick. He dashed into a nearby church and ran to the font, and as I approached he scooped up a handful of holy water and flung it at me. I ducked. That was a near miss!

He’s now running towards the altar in the hope that the huge cross hanging nearby will protect him from me. Running towards a symbol of monumental defeat is just the sort of mistake you’d expect from a lowly-ranked list MP. There can be little doubt that the Romans were well pleased with their crucifixion of Jesus, and the Christians movement will have been mortified that their man was so utterly defeated.

So another victory for the Romans, and the Christians must now be asking serious questions about their choice of messiah. The only question now is how long Jesus can hang on before someone challenges his leadership.

12:28 pm

Shit! Gilmore got away while I was on the phone to the Vatican demanding that they put me through to the Pope.

2:08 pm

We just filmed a segment of me standing outside the church and delivering a powerful verdict on the triumph of the Roman Empire, but I screwed up my lines and ended up having to redo the entire piece. I demanded my resignation, but I refused. I then began to follow myself, asking myself again and again if I regretted my mistake and whether I would apologise to my crew for my total failure.

Ended up going into a spin and falling over. Head hurts.

4:46 pm

A productive afternoon chasing David Cunliffe through the halls of Parliament. He refused to answer my questions about the Catholic Church, calling them absurd. A leadership challenge must be imminent! But does Pope Francis have the numbers?

5:11 pm

Update on the Kellogg scoop. Someone else from their PR team called me and asked me to explain what my problem with the cereal was. “I ask the questions!” I roared back, before slamming down the phone.

6.21 pm

Finished my piece for the 6:00 pm news bulletin, and now I can relax. This time I brought a cushion with me. I just hope Aaron Gilmore keeps the speed down this time.