8:23 am

Oh god, I hate mornings. I’m usually too frightened to open my eyes, and I often spend hours hiding under the cover, because every time I look in the mirror I swear I’ve grown just a little bit fatter.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on. If only someone would help me.

9:04 am

Breakfast is always a disaster for me. I know I should be sensible with my decisions, but if you put a yummy plate of credit in front of me I’ll gobble it up and then go back for a second helping.

10:44 am

Just got on the scales. NOOO!!

How can I now be over 5% of GDP?

1:17 pm

Just went to see an expert about my problem. Waste of time.

He told me I had nothing to be concerned about. Inflation is under control, the deficit is shrinking, and the economy is returning to good health, he said.

“But what does that have to do with me, Mr English?” I asked him. “Look at me. I’m a mess. I’m just getting bigger and bigger. What are you going to do to help me?”

“I’m sorry, who are you again?” he asked me.

“I’m the Current Account Deficit,” I told him.

He stared at me blankly.

“I reflect the amounts of other countries’ savings that New Zealand has to borrow in order to finance spending. The bigger I get the more indebted we become as a nation.”

“Oh,” said Mr English, breaking into a contented smile. “In that case you have absolutely nothing to worry about. We are predicting a return to surplus in the 2014/15 financial year.”

“Wrong patient!” I snapped, before calming down. “I’m sorry, but I think you have me confused with the government’s operating deficit.”

“Not to worry,” he replied. “Your problems will all go away if you follow a careful dietary plan. Asset sales and a housing bubble fuelled by credit from overseas-owned banks will have you back on your feet in no time.”

“But I’ll just get fatter and fatter!” I protested.

He just smiled, offering his hand. “I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do. Goodbye, Mr Current Account Deficit.”

I fell into despair after the consultation. Why won’t anyone help me?

3:54 pm

Stopped by the housing market and borrowed a few billion more, thinking it would help to take the pain away. But now I feel even worse. At this rate I’ll be at 8% of GDP in no time.

4:29 pm

I’m not much of a fan of alternative therapies, because most of the practitioners in the area are quacks and charlatans. But I didn’t know what else to do, so I rang a guy who said he had some potential solutions for me.

He told me I needed to transform the economy by focusing on providing high-value goods and services, rather than low-margin commodities, and by encouraging productive rather than speculative economic activities. This would be done (he told me) by investing heavily in education and training, changing the tax system, and having a hands-on government prepared to intervene to deal with market failures.

I’m so desperate that I’m prepared to give anything a go, so I asked when we could start the treatment. He said he wasn’t free till November next year.

I don’t think I can wait that long. If things go on much longer like this I’ll be so big I won’t even be able to leave my house.

I’m so alone and helpless.