Imperator Fish Nation: Winston Peters’ dark secret revealed

The second of two posts by James Rowland

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New Zealand First was rocked today with one of the biggest scandals in the Party’s long and distinguished history of cock-ups, which have included allowing Richard Prosser to be a parliamentarian.
“It really is the journalism scoop of the century,” said Corin Dann, the Political Editor for One News and well-known babe magnet. 
“I was just wandering around the Beehive when I realised that Winston Peters didn’t have a reflection. When I pointed it out to him, he hissed at me and turned into a giant bat.” 
The rumours surrounding the leader of the NZ First Party have been long and varied. The most commonly accepted theory had been that the Rt. Hon Winston Peters was actually Lazarus of Bethany. Lazarus, according to biblical accounts, had been famously resurrected four days after his death. Political commentators had spotted similar connections to Peters’ resurrection in the last election after his long, drawn-out political death in 2008. However, the truth comes from a very different fictional book. 

Dracula, written by Bram Stoker in the 19th century, detailed the arrival of a vampire in London. The vampire most famously had the capacity to turn into a bat, did not have a reflection in mirrors, and was capable of controlling people by putting them into a state of trance. 
“We really should have spotted it earlier,” Corin Dann shrugged. 
“The similarities between Winston Peters and Dracula are actually pretty obvious when you think about it. Subtle mind control is really the only reason anyone can properly explain how NZ First got over the 5% threshold in 2011.” 
Winston Peters’s response to accusations that he is actually a vampire have led to return of his sign, “NO”.
“We Really Dropped the Ball; Our Bad” 
Political commentators around the country have been left red-faced by Corin Dann’s discovery, accepting that they really should have recognised that a creature of undeath was masquerading as a Member of Parliament. 
“Red faces all round,” said Fran O’Sullivan of the New Zealand Herald. “It all makes so much sense now: the longevity, the resurrection, and most of all the fact that John Key has spent the last half a decade carrying around large chunks of garlic in his pockets.”
“The clues have all been there; we just haven’t been quick enough to piece it together. After all, you just need to look at the rest of the NZ First Party. They’re lifeless, bloodless, soulless husks of human beings.”

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