Uncle Ernie comes out of retirement to bemoan the state of the world
I’m appalled and disgusted to hear that a book filled with smut has won a children’s literature award. Disgusted! What has this world come to? What is wrong with young people that they would want to read such garbage? When I was a young man I didn’t have time for all that sexing-about nonsense. When a young chap felt the urge, so to speak, we put him in a uniform, gave him a rifle, and told him to point it at a foreign fellow wearing a skirt.

These days we hear a lot about teenagers being confused about their sexuality. What rot! Back in my day we just got on with our lives and didn’t worry ourselves over matters of sex. And if a young chap started to feel a bit funny about other chaps (and who didn’t back in the day? I always found it hard to keep my hands to myself in the changing sheds, but it was all such harmless fun) he just kept quiet about it and didn’t make a big fuss. There were always too many other things to keep us occupied, like Boy Scout groups, camping trips, and rugger.

I hate to think what this filth is doing to the minds of our young boys and girls. What kind of message are we sending to young people? That sex is something to be enjoyed? God help us all! I was married to my dear late wife for fifty-two years, and she told me on her deathbed that I’d never once managed to give her any sort of physical pleasure. I explained to her gently that if I had spent hours and hours trying to pleasure her, she would never have found the time to iron my shirts. No need to thank me, I told her. I was just being a considerate husband.

This dirty book is yet more evidence that the whole place has gone to the dogs. Nobody seems to give a damn any more about morality, and it’s only a matter of time before they make gay marriage compulsory. And at my age too. Think of my poor back!

I’m just thankful that there are still a few good people out there holding the line for the rest of us. I admire crusaders like Colin Craig and Bob McCroskie, because they aren’t afraid to make a stand against indecency and depravity. That Mr Craig’s a good-looking clean-cut young man, so if they do make gay marriage compulsory I could certainly do much worse than be forced into a union with him.

If you’re reading this, Colin, I like to sleep on the left side of the bed and I don’t much like body hair. I hope that won’t cause you any discomfort or inconvenience, but you’re very much welcome to come around here to state your case in person. Just don’t leave it too late, because I’m usually in bed by nine o’clock.