Can someone explain this GCSB business to me? Because I really I can’t see what all the fuss is about. As far as I can gather, we are meant to be outraged because our own government might be spying on us.

For heaven’s sake! Isn’t it better that we have our own people spy on us, rather than have some shifty foreign crowd see to it?

What’s that? We’re being spied on at the request of some shifty foreign crowd? Well what’s wrong with that? Don’t we want overseas people to be consuming more of our goods and services? If our security services are in such demand in the US, isn’t that a win for our economy?

Oh, they don’t pay us? Well that’s a bit silly, I agree. But then I’m sure there’s a good reason why not. I expect Mr Key will explain everything, if people will just give him a chance. Why would he do anything to harm the people of this country? He’s a good man, that Mr Key, and I should know, because I’m a pretty good judge of character. My instincts have rarely let me down, apart from that time when I put all my money into Ross Asset Management, but even that wasn’t necessarily a mistake. I know David Ross, and he continues to assure me that I’ll get my money back, and why would he lie to me?

The thing I don’t get about all this spying business is why anyone would care about that big German chap and what he thinks. We didn’t fight two world wars only to be forced to listen to some wearisome German go on about his rights being violated. What about Poland’s rights? Why isn’t this Kim Dotcom fellow talking about Poland? His deafening silence on the issue of the Polish question and the status of the Free City of Danzig should be of concern of all right-thinking patriots, so shouldn’t we redoubling our efforts to spy on him?

People are saying that laws have been broken by our spies, but surely if that were the case the police would have arrested someone. Oh, you say the police are in on it too? Good lord, this is quite a conspiracy you have created, isn’t it? Well let me tell you something: I would trust my local policeman with my life, and I have no reason to fear being spied upon by the police. When have the police ever abused their powers? And before you mention Arthur Thomas, all the world knows he was a guilty man, so what did it matter if a couple of officers got a bit creative about the evidence?

I live my life like an open book, so I have nothing to fear from the authorities. If staying safe means having cameras in my house, then so be it. If stopping the terrorists means letting the GCSB observe me as I make love to my beautiful wife, thrusting deep into her as she moans with ecstasy, as she begs me to give her everything I’ve got, harder … harder… yes…. yes… yes… Ohhhh Gooooooooood!

Ah, excuse me while I just go and change my underwear. Wait, they didn’t film that bit, did they? Please, please, tell me I wasn’t being filmed while I was… um, while I was talking to you.

No? Good. Then what on earth is the fuss about?