An Antipodean outrage


The Rt. Hon. Humphrey Horswell, QSM gives his opinion on the makeup of the Australian cabinet.

I am not accustomed to following the political affairs of our Antipodean cousins with any great enthusiasm. My contempt for the criminal classes from which so many Australians are descended has at times coloured my view of that nation. And yet I am forced to admit that our neighbours have done well for themselves in recent times, notwithstanding their convict past. The nation of Australian now stands tall, a proud monument proclaiming the triumph of the white race.

However, all is not well in that magnificent colony. Our Australian friends have in recent days suffered a most unfortunate calamity, the result of a change in that nation’s governmental arrangements.

I do not refer to the election of a Catholic prime minister, although the promotion of papists must always be steadfastly resisted. Of deeper concern to me is the makeup of the cabinet of this Mr Abbot and his Liberal Party government.

Mr Abbot claims to have chosen his cabinet on merit, and yet he has chosen eighteen men and one woman. One woman. Good lord!

I am as astounded as no doubt you are, and as all right-thinking and earnest gentlemen of the world should be. The appointment of a solitary woman to serve on Mr Abbot’s cabinet is an insult to the fairer sex, an outrage that cannot be allowed to stand.

And yet it is true that things could have been a good deal worse. For all we know, Mr Abbot might have been contemplating the appointment of a number of ladies to serve on his cabinet.

I am not entirely against the presence of ladies in the cabinet room, as no doubt there will from time to time be drinks to serve, notes to be taken and memoranda to type.  But these delicate creatures cannot be asked to assume such enormous responsibilities as the operation of a government ministry. While one can only admire the spirit of a lady who considers herself capable of matching it with the men, we all know how complicated politics can be. How can we expect a lady minister to attend to affairs of state when her mind is almost certainly going to be focused on making sure the clothes are washed and ironed and the children are put to bed?

You know this to be true, sirs. Do not let the demands of a small group of unlovely and boisterous women of questionable morals sway you from doing your duty. Our good ladies need to be protected from the consequences of their own folly, for they do not know their own failings. Some of these ladies may regard themselves as being politically “in the know”, to use a vulgar term, but a gentlemen need only engage his wife in conversation for a few minutes to realise she is sorely out of her depths. Listen to her incoherent and nonsensical witterings, as she tries to explain to you how women deserve the very same opportunities as men. Is it not embarrassing? Would this woman not bring shame to your household were you to allow her to take part in matters of great public importance?

If you are still in any doubt, then put your dear wife to the test. Ask your dear lady over dinner tonight how she would resolve the complex Austro-Hungarian succession issue. But be warned! You will embarrass and shame your wife when she realises her gross ignorance, so if you must put her to the test, have some pity on her and do so only after the children have been put to bed.

So keep your lovely lady settled, and do not allow her simple mind to be confused by thoughts of politics or public service. The most useful service she can provide is to keep the household in order.  Her duty is to you, the master of the house.

But if, in spite of that heavy and onerous duty, she should continue to feel the need to contribute something more to society, then I am in no doubt that any number of charities would gratefully receive her baked goods.