Fears mount that gays will soon be ruling the world

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The gay takeover of everything took a giant leap forward today, after it was confirmed that the Labour Party is to consider a proposal to ensure that its party list fairly represents different sexual orientations.

The proposal will be debated at the party’s annual conference in Christchurch this weekend.

The news is being greeted with horror by people all across the conservative heterosexual male spectrum, with many realising that those gays will soon control everything.

Many commentators fear that the measure will result in heterosexual men being forced into marriages with other men, and made to do things they cannot even begin to imagine.

“I feel personally very threatened,” said one man. “My heterosexuality is hanging on by a thread at the moment. I’m an enormous fan of women, but this gay rights business is wearing me down.

“I’m being turned gay, and I don’t like it!”

“It’s PC gone mad,” said another man. “White heterosexual men are quickly becoming an endangered species.

“At this rate we may soon control only sixty percent of the nation’s wealth and power.”

“I’m opposed to it,” said a man who claimed that a god had delegated to him the right to speak on matters of morality. “Homosexuality is a sin.

“It says so right here in my big book of myths and legends, just after the bit about not wearing clothing woven of two kinds of material, planting a field with two kinds of seed, growing long hair, or getting a tattoo.”

But Labour’s plan to turn everything gay has been greeted with delight by some conservative commentators.

“It’s a welcome relief,” said one white conservative male with a history of pretending to be gay-friendly.

“National has had a bad time of it lately, with all the focus on Labour’s new leader, the housing crisis, and the asset sales debacle. Now we can focus on ridiculing Labour again.

“I have nothing against gay people, of course,” said the man. “I met one once. I shook his hand and said to him: ‘If you people want to indulge in unspeakable depravities in the privacy of your own bedrooms, then it’s none of my business.’

“I scrubbed my hands afterwards, obviously, but he seemed like a decent enough guy.

“So my gay-bashing has nothing to do with homophobia.”