Thank you, Mr Ambassador. I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to take my call.

I wanted to assure you that we remain steadfast allies of your country, and I also like to think that under my leadership and your ambassadorship our two countries have grown closer than ever before.

I wanted to assure you that we have no concerns whatsoever about the actions of your government. I know that goes without saying, regardless of the topic of conversation. A notorious New Zealander once said about our relationship with Britain: “Where she goes, we go; where she stands we stand.” But I’m taking those words back from the infamous socialist who said them, because I reckon they nicely describe the way we, or at least I, feel about New Zealand’s relationship with the US.

I don’t mind that your people have been listening in on the conversations of the German chancellor. I say you can’t be too careful. People so quickly forget the two world wars we fought against Germany. And if it turns out that your intelligence agencies have spied on other world leaders, then I’m sure you had your reasons. There are some bad people out there, that’s for sure.

The media have been asking me whether I’m worried that my phone might have been tapped by your people. It’s a ridiculous question, I know. Worried? Why would I be worried? Go right ahead!

We keep no secrets from our allies, which is why I want to formally invite your government to feel free to listen in on whatever I have to say, whenever they feel like it. Just pick up the phone, scanner, receiver, or whatever it is you use to intercept communications, and listen.

We are such good friends of the US. By the way, any chance of another White House meeting with Mr Obama?

But please don’t get your hopes up, because I can’t promise you’ll get much out of the exercise. It’s not true that we are a nation without secrets. But the secrets kept by my government don’t really compare to some of the juicy stuff floating around out there. You know who you should also bug? That Cameron Slater guy. My god, he must know things that could bring entire governments down. My government, mainly. Actually, scratch that last bit.

But every friendship has its limits, so let’s agree on some boundaries. If you ever go anywhere near the All Blacks you should consider our friendship dead. If so much as one lineout call or backline move is leaked out of the ABs camp I’ll know who was responsible, and there will be the devil to pay. We’re happy for you to invade the privacy and civil rights of our citizens and residents, and we’ll even help you to do it, but don’t ever mess with Richie, Dan, Kieran, Shag and the boys.

Did I mention that another White House meeting with Mr Obama would be nice? Oh, did I say that already? Well, you know, Barack’s just such a dude and, look, can you just promise to mention it to him when you’re next in Washington?

What’s that? Yes, that Dotcom business . . . Look, we’re doing our best and you’ll have to be patient. You realise we still have an independent judiciary, don’t you? We’re not Fiji. I can’t just tell the courts to look the other way while we bend the rules. Yes, I agree, Fiji is a nice place. Good swimming, and some fantastic beaches. But the place is ruled by a regime that disregards the civil rights of its citizens, and uses bullying and intimidation to stay in power. Oh, I agree, it does sound like a nice place. Though I much prefer Hawaii, which is where I usually holiday.

That reminds me. Make sure you hook yourselves up to my phone in Hawaii. Oh, you did already? I’ll give you guys top marks for efficiency. Our intelligence people couldn’t organise a children’s birthday party without being caught breaking at least a dozen laws.

Now about that Obama meeting. I’m just checking my diary, and it looks like I have some time free next year. Actually, any time next year works for me. Just name the date. Even if there’s an election that day. I’ll cancel it!

No, that’s my little joke. I can’t just cancel an election. This isn’t Fiji, you know. Yes, I agree, definitely a good place to go for a holiday. Bula!