Thank you for expressing an interest in tendering for a contract in connection with our planned ultra-fast broadband project (“UFB Project”).
We have set out below the criteria you will need to meet in order to be awarded a UFB Project contract.
Other project information, including a specification for and description of the UFB Project, will follow shortly.
MAIN CRITERIA FOR CONSIDERATION
To be considered for the award of a UFB Project contract, tenderers will need to demonstrate:
- a commitment to service excellence
- a high level of technical expertise in the field of telecommunications
- experience in organising and delivering on large-scale projects, and
- an ability to supply the necessary resources and infrastructure required to meet project targets.
We will then take the cheapest bid.
Value for money
The successful tenderer will need to show that their bid is competitive and demonstrates value for money for its shareholders, and enables the tenderer’s board of directors to justify their substantial fees. Our terms and conditions of tender make it clear that we will not necessarily award the contract to the lowest bidder, even though that is exactly what we will do.
When the lowest bidder undercuts everyone to such an extent that they cannot make money on the contract, we will bail them out.
It would assist with the tender process if you would bid absurdly low, so that when we select you and everything goes terribly wrong, leading to a government bailout, our Minister can still argue that overall the taxpayer got value for money.
Commitment to meet milestones
This is one of the largest infrastructure projects in New Zealand’s history, and the timeframes for delivery of the UFB Project are tight. It will therefore be critical for the successful tenderer to demonstrate that they have the capability to deliver on time and to specification, unless they come in cheaper than other tenderers, in which case we don’t mid a bit of slippage here or there and, when everything goes terribly wrong because you didn’t manage to take into account the possibility of an adverse Commerce Commission ruling, just let us know how much money you need from us and everything will be sweet.
As the UFB Project involves the expenditure of substantial taxpayer funds, we reserve the right to take into consideration broader economic factors when determining who the successful tenderer is, such as the need to maintain monopolies.
We will end up awarding most of the work to a single provider, and when they threaten to default it will jeopardise the entire project. We will all act surprised when this happens, and our Minister will find a way to blame the Labour Party.
We look forward to receiving your tender, unless you are not Chorus.
2 thoughts on “UFB Project: Terms of Tender”
It’s just good old-fashioned capitalism at work “Privatise profits, socialise losses.”
You used to do satire, now you just report stuff that’s happening!
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