All Whites take inspiration from Team Oracle’s comeback, but are still fucked

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Jimmy Spithill, the man who denied New Zealand victory in the America’s Cup, has given a special message to the All Whites ahead of their match against Mexico tonight.

The New Zealand football team must not only beat Mexico to progress to the World Cup finals, but must do so emphatically. The team will need a winning margin of at least four goals to have any chance of progressing.

The example set by Team Oracle is a good one. Trailing Team New Zealand in the final of the America’s Cup and on the brink of oblivion, Spithill’s team somehow clawed its way back, achieving one of sport’s greatest comebacks.

So what can the All Whites learn from Team Oracle?

  • Make sure you have a multibillionaire backer for whom money is no object, and who is determined to win at all costs.
  • Put together a team of superstars. Recruit the very best performers, and pay them all ridiculous amounts of money.
  • Put in charge of the team someone who has experienced remarkable success in the sport.
  • Outspend your opponents.
  • Match yourselves up against the very best teams in the world in the lead-up to the competition.
  • Do everything on boats.

Does any of this sound do-able?

No, we’re fucked.

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