It’s time for my predictions for 2014. What does the year hold in store for you? Will you achieve fame and success? Will you have a hit single? And will you finally lose your virginity?*

Read on!

My predictions for 2013

Before making my 2014 predictions, here’s a quick review of my 2013 ones.

In summary, a few hits and a few misses, but overall I did outstandingly well.

• I picked that Peter Dunne would return from his summer holiday a changed man. I was confident that he would start turning up to meetings unshaven and shaggy and slightly smelly, and would talk endlessly to journalists and his colleagues about a sacred quest that involved dragons and a fiery sword. I predicted that he would resign from Parliament on April 13 2013, and would immediately join a mystical Indian religious sect. Unfortunately, it turned out that Peter Dunne was just too boring to go on any sort of sacred quest.
• I also predicted that Colin Craig would have something sensible and valuable to contribute on a major issue of the moment. Yes, but who didn’t enjoy his various musings about gay marriage, the moon landings and chemtrails? Maybe not sensible, but valuable in a comedic sense.
• But I made one big and bold call that nobody else did, and I was proven right. I said Justin Bieber would retire from the music industry in order to pursue a career in accountancy, and I got it exactly right. Don’t be fooled by talk that he’s just taking a break from music. He’s determined to become the biggest and best goddamn accountant in the world. Surely my Bieber prediction makes up for all the misses.

2014

Here’s what we can expect to see in 2014:

Success for Parata

Hekia Parata will resign from Parliament in May in order to focus on her writing career. Her first novel, Perspectives on Delivering Learning Outcomes in order to Facilitate Excellence in Student Achievement, will win the 2014 Man Booker Prize. Experts will praise her innovative use of language, and she will be compared favourably with James Joyce.

Honours for Brown

Len Brown will be awarded a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday honours list, for services to fucking.

Cunliffe as PM

A series of hilarious misunderstandings will result in Simon Cunliffe, the chief press secretary for the Labour Party leader, becoming Prime Minister in November.

Cameron Slater happy

Cameron Slater will finally find happiness. He will learn to love himself and others, will retire from the blogosphere, and will find comfort and serenity in the company of family and friends. He will spend his days doing jigsaw puzzles and rescuing distressed native birds.

Mr Real Estate

Martyn Bradbury will also retire from blogging, as he looks to devote more time to his booming real estate business.

A question

Jesus will appear on a mountaintop to great acclaim and excitement. Millions will gather to hear what he has to say. His first words will be “Will someone please just tell me what the fuck the fox really says?”

Mallards unite!

A giant duck will attack Wellington, smashing the Beehive with its massive beak. Trevor Mallard will be sent out to do battle with it against his will, because, you know, his name. Disgusted and dismayed at being sent to his death, Trevor will form an alliance with the duck and, together, they will plot the destruction of the entire city.

Squeezing you dry

You will be invited to Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen, in recognition of your efforts on hundreds of Kiwiblog comments threads. But it will be a trap, and you will find yourself the captive of a villainous mastermind intent on extracting all of your poisonous bile in order to build a toxic weapon that will destroy everyone and everything.

Told you so

We will all agree that John Key was right all along.

Ireland wins but still loses

The Irish rugby team will beat the All Blacks. Unfortunately, the confusion caused to the universe by this event will cause a rift in time and space, and everything will be obliterated in a second. Luckily, the Doctor will save everyone with some timey-wimey bullshit, by going back in time and interfering with the game so that the Irish team stays winless. “That’s the second time in twelve months,” he will say as he changes out of his referee’s uniform.

I could murder a hobbit

We will all be heartily sick of the Hobbit films. Sensing a change in the mood of the nation, John Key will push through urgent legislation so that murdering anyone who looks like a hobbit is no longer a criminal offence. A grateful public will award him a third term in office.

Eight days a week

A private member’s bill will result in a new day being added to the week, in order for TV3 to be able to screen even more do-up shows each week.

Anything could happen

Tony Veitch will turn out to be likeable.

Terminator McCaw

The All Blacks captain will be revealed to the world as a killer robot, after ripping Ian Smith’s head off with his bare hands during an after-match interview. It will turn out that Richie McCaw was a machine after all.

An indecent ACT

The ACT Party will have a new leadership. The leadership will be shared between a collective of performance artists calling themselves the Ill Liberals. They will combine recitations of right-wing mantras about personal responsibility, freedom and the market with displays of public nudity and masturbation.

* Sorry, not this year.