Because everyone else is doing them, and I’d hate to be left out, here are some predictions for 2013.
David Shearer’s critics will fall silent, and love will reign supreme. Every single blogger at The Standard will praise Shearer’s integrity and pragmatism, and Brian Edwards will proclaim that Shearer is the best political communicator since David Lange.
A fiery demise
John Banks’ pants will literally catch on fire during a session of Parliament. John Key will say it is a matter for ACT’s caucus to deal with. Nobody else will run to Banks’ aid.
Back from the past
MC Hammer will have a chart-topping hit, just in time for Christmas 2013.
Changes in the blogosphere
David Farrar will retire from blogging, move away from politics entirely, and devote himself wholeheartedly to a new business selling dietary supplements and self-help books. Chris Trotter will take over at Kiwiblog.
Police will claim they have evidence that Kim Dotcom has been eating babies. The case will be thrown out of court, and the judge will accuse police of being vindictive and incompetent. The police will respond by insisting that they acted in good faith, in the honest belief that the Crimes Act applied to jelly babies.
Peter Dunne moves on
Peter Dunne will return from his summer holiday a changed man. He will turn up to meetings unshaven and shaggy and slightly smelly, and will talk endlessly to journalists and his colleagues about a sacred quest that involves dragons and a fiery sword. He will resign from Parliament on April 13, and will immediately join a mystical Indian religious sect.
Every active internet user will infringe someone’s copyright at least once.
Parata will lose Education
Parata’s sole achievement in Education has been to make teachers long for a return to the golden days under Anne Tolley. She’ll lose Education and be given some less important portfolio, where her ability to spout jargon-laden drivel will be an asset. This may necessitate the creation of an entirely new ministry, such as Swamps, Bogs and Ponds, or a Ministry of Blue Cheeses.
Shearer’s roofer revealed
Investigative journalist Phil Kitchin will uncover the identity of David Shearer’s beneficiary on the roof. His name will be Edmund Fowler, and it will turn out he has been on the sickness benefit for a decade while working cash jobs as a male stripper. Fowler will have multiple convictions for offences against children, and will have a huge collection of Duran Duran albums and memorabilia. He will be a Sagittarius.
A pair of gibbons will escape from Wellington Zoo. They will hide in Treasury’s head office, where they will be mistaken for unusually hairy junior analysts. One of them will be fast-tracked to the role of Assistant Treasury Secretary, after impressing the Finance Minister with her work.
David Bain will start his own fashion label, Injustice by David Bain.
American politicians will come to their senses and pass sweeping laws banning assault weapons, and making guns harder to obtain.
A sensible sentence
Garth McVicar will admit that the judge got it right this time.
Don Brash will rise from the dead. Again.
The world will end again
2013 will happen, and the world won’t end on December 21 this year. But someone will discover that they calculated the date wrong and that Doomsday is actually scheduled for late 2013, just after morning tea, when Jesus will turn up to announce who is to be saved from the fiery inferno to come. Confusion will reign when the first person on his list turns out to be Cameron Slater.
TV3 will launch a new entertainment show called Labour’s Caucus Has Got Talent.
Trouble at the beach
TV3’s Patrick Gower will have an encounter with an enormous Great White Shark while swimming at the beach this summer. Gower will pursue it out to sea for miles and will finally catch up with the poor creature, ripping its heart out with his bare hands.
Justin Bieber will quite the music business in order to pursue his dream of becoming an accountant.
An NZ Truth exclusive will reveal shocking evidence that Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei regularly relaxes of a weekend by burning mountains of old car tyres in her backyard.
Peter Jackson will announce that there is enough spare footage left to make five additional Hobbit films.
The day when all that shit went down will return to haunt you. You thought everyone had forgotten about it, but I kept a record of everything you said and did. I have already supplied the raw footage to Whaleoil, and even he was sickened. Maybe this will prompt you to get the help you so desperately need.