About those New Zealand First rule changes

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Last week it was revealed that any MP who deserts from New Zealand First will have to pay $300,000 to the party. The provision is contained in the latest set of rules submitted by New Zealand First to the Electoral Commission.

But it’s not the only peculiar provision in the party’s new set of rules. Here are ten other NZ First party rules you probably don’t know about.

If Winston shall bring an accusation against a New Zealand First MP, the accused shall go to the river and leap into the river; and if he sinks in the river his accuser shall take possession of his house, his wife, his son, his daughters, and all of his cattle. But if the river proves that the accused is not guilty, then again shall the accused jump into the river, this time with a large concrete block tied unto him.

If any person shall steal Winston’s limelight, they shall be put to death.

If any person shall find runaway New Zealand first MPs in the open country and bring them back to their party, Winston shall pay that person in scotch.

If any person shall bring an accusation of any crime before the party faithful, he shall do so with great trumpets, for the party faithful art mostly deaf and old of age, and many of them will be asleep in their chairs.

If any New Zealand First MP shall say unto his party leader: “You are not my master,” then that MP shall suffer the elders of the party to impose a penalty upon him, and he shall suffer the elders to call that penalty by the name “liquidated damages”, so that attempts by the party to enforce the said penalty shall not be laughed out of court; and if any party member shall use the word “penalty” in relation to the said penalty, then let that person’s tongue be cut out, for our lawyers have told us never to use that word.

If any MP shall fail to meet such imposition, then he shall sell himself, his wife, his sons, and his daughters into debt bondage, and they shall work for three years in the house of the man who bought them, and in the fourth year they shall be set free.

If Winston shall give up any New Zealand First MP as a lost cause, no objection shall be raised.

If Winston shall quarrel with any party member, and say: “You are not congenial to me,” the reasons for his prejudice need not be presented, for who are we to argue? Henceforth that party member shall be dead to us all, and that person shall be offered neither fire, nor water, nor tea or biscuits.

If any person shall take a New Zealand First MP into their own party, we will all wonder what on earth they were thinking. For we did look upon the New Zealand First caucus after the 2011 election, and we did wonder who was Asenati Lole-Taylor, and then we did hear her speak, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

If Winston shall be caught in breach of party rules, it will all be the media’s fault, and none shall blame him.

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