This week’s The Letter

Read this week’s edition of Richard Prebble’s ACT Party newsletter
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Above: ACT’s Epsom candidate, David Seymour

It’s been another great week for ACT. We’re on a roll, and our outstanding new leadership team is making an enormous impact on the polls.

Before Jamie Whyte took over as leader the party was barely registering in any of the political polls. But in a matter of a few months we have been reaching for the sky, and in one poll we scored as much as 1%. ACT has always been about the 1%, so once again we’re matching words with deeds.

We are confident that we are on the right path. Our candidate for the Epsom electorate, David Seymour, is an outstanding young man whose remarkable communication skills are eclipsed only by his humanitarianism.

David has knocked on over 8000 doors since the start of the year. That’s more than all of the other candidates combined. Our communist opponents will never win a door-knocking contest, because they don’t bother knocking. They just break in and steal all your property. Have you noticed anything missing in your house recently? Has someone been into your pantry while you were out? Are you missing a bag of flour? Then call the police. Remember: only ACT cares about your property rights. We are the party of law and order, and that’s why we’ll be pushing hard for changes to sentencing laws to make stealing a bag of flour a strike offence.

Every single person David Seymour has spoken to has confirmed they will vote for ACT. Even the Labour candidate Michael Wood has confirmed his intention to vote for ACT, although he won’t admit it on camera.

The people of Epsom understand the need for ACT to be there in our parliament, keeping the other parties honest. Talking of honesty, there has been plenty of chatter about the guilty verdict against John Banks. Our opponents on the Left want the public to believe we are a party of hypocrites, because we stand for law and order while at the same time turning a blind eye to dishonesty in our MPs. But let me tell you something about John Banks. John Banks is a good, decent man who has devoted his life to serving the public. I know no more honest man than John Banks. If John Banks told me it was Monday and Jesus Christ said it was Wednesday, I would call Jesus Christ a brazen liar.

I don’t know why the judge found John Banks guilty, but his offence is a minor one, and I could give you numerous examples of much more serious behaviour by the politicians of this country. Like the MP who went to jail for stealing from a children’s charity, or the MP who before entering politics stole the identity of a dead baby. Where’s the outrage over their actions?

John Banks has kept the flag flying for ACT during a difficult period, and we thank him for his efforts. Under his effective and potent leadership the party has gone from strength to strength. But now we have a new leader, the remarkable Jamie Whyte. Jamie has won every single debate he has ever engaged in, and in every argument Jamie has ever had since he was a babe in arms, he has prevailed. Forget the Roy Morgan poll, because our own internal polling shows that the voters adore ACT’s new leader. Jamie Whyte is much more popular than David Cunliffe, and at least as popular as John Key. If Jamie Whyte and Jesus Christ went head to head for the leadership of this country, Jamie would kick that scruffy hippy’s arse.

We’re ready for a tough contest in Epsom. Our candidate David Seymour knocked on 40,000 doors just this last weekend. Everyone in the electorate adores David. They know he’s a straight-shooter who will do Epsom proud. Every woman who has met David wants to sleep with him, and so do most of the men. David has knocked on so many doors since the start of the year that they’re having to order in more doors.

The public have a simple choice. Do they want another three years of strong and stable government, or do they prefer communism? Do they want a responsible and sensible centre-right government, or do they want to live under a regime of terror where their wealth is destroyed, their houses are plundered, and their crops are burned by angry peasants?

When we finally get the chance to tell the public our story, they will flock to us in droves. On September 20 the public will deliver their verdict, and for once we intend not to have one of our members in the dock that day. On September 20 the people of New Zealand will send a powerful message that they want a strong and stable centre-right government, and our visionary Jamie Whyte will be leading from the front. If Jesus Christ descended from the heavens on 20 September and called a great gathering of the faithful, they would all say “piss off you hairy bum, we’ve already got a messiah.”

Some people don’t know that Jamie Whyte is a philosopher. Socrates was a philosopher too, and a pretty good one at that. He was also one of the greatest midfielders ever to play football. Politics is a lot like football, because you get kicked a lot, and then when you score against the opposition some guy kisses you. I’m not sure how good a kisser Jamie Whyte is, but I can tell you he’s one of the best philosophers I’ve ever considered reading.

I don’t know if the good people of Epsom are into philosophy in a big way, or kissing for that matter, but there is no doubt that they’re the smartest people on the planet, and they know how to use the MMP system to their benefit. The people of Epsom aren’t interested in circuses and sideshows, which is why the ACT Party continues to do so well there. The people of Epsom like John Key, and they love Jamie Whyte and David Seymour, and they know that under an MMP system they can have all of them. What a dream threesome. The thought of that trio together leaves me shaking with excitement.

We’re not desperate to do electorate deals this election campaign, because our internal polling shows that ACT will be the biggest party in Parliament after September 20. But if John Key wants to have a cup of tea with our candidate for Epsom, we’ll make sure he has the best tea he’s ever tasted, because Epsom tea is the best in the world. Epsom tea is a lot like the typical Epsom voter: rich, white, and served in a teapot.

We are excited about our new leadership team, and our candidate in Epsom is working harder than anyone has ever worked before. In the last week alone David Seymour has listened to The Doors’ Greatest Hits 8000 times, and he is ready to break on through to the other side.

The time to hesitate is through. No time to wallow in the mire. Let it roll, baby, roll!