In the Oval Office

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OBAMA: Hi John, it’s great to see you again.

KEY: Mr President, it is an honour and a privilege to be here today. You have no idea how much I’ve yearned to be with you again.

OBAMA: Why thank you, John. We really do appreciate your support, and we value New Zealand’s close friendship with the United States. It’s been a while since we saw each other last. When was that?

KEY: It was January. Do you remember? How we played golf together?

OBAMA: Oh yeah, it was in Hawaii. Sure, that was pretty fun. I don’t get many chances to play golf in this job, as you can imagine.

KEY: It was just you, me, and your enormous security detail. I remember every moment of that game. The savage beauty of your golf swing as you smashed the ball, and the grace and poise of your putting. Those wide green vistas stretched out before us, and it seemed for a moment, a fleeting moment, as if the world was ours for the taking. Do you remember that feeling, Mr President?

OBAMA: Well maybe not exactly like you do, but it was a good afternoon, for sure. You’re a good friend, John, and your country is a good friend to the United States.

KEY: It’s a close friendship, Mr President, but I’d like our relationship to be even closer. I want something more than just a friendship. Imagine the possibilities.

OBAMA: Well that’s great to hear. We really could do with New Zealand’s support on the international stage right now, especially with the crisis in Iraq unfolding.

KEY: I’m sure I speak for all New Zealanders when I say we want to honour you, to treat you like a king. To bathe you in rich fragrant oils and massage your dark lithe body with our soft loving hands. To hold you close, to nurture and cherish you. To whisper sweet nothings into your ear.

OBAMA: Gee, well that’s great . . .

KEY: Your shoes. How I admire your shoes. But what lies beneath that layer of black shiny leather? The people of New Zealand would very much like to take those shoes off and kiss your feet. May I?

OBAMA: You’d better not. One of my secret service men may get the wrong idea and end up putting a bullet in your head. I’ll keep my shoes on, if that’s okay.

KEY: Anything you say, Mr President. Anything you say. You look tired and stressed. Can I give you a backrub?

OBAMA: Not right now, John.

KEY: Let me know if you change your mind, Mr President. The people of New Zealand just want you to be happy. We’ve never had a relationship quite this close with the leader of the free world. We admire you greatly, sir. Our loins stir in strange and unfamiliar ways when you give your addresses, and when you deliver your soaring oratory our hearts soar too.

OBAMA: Okay . . .

KEY: We want you, Mr President. The people of New Zealand want and need you with every fibre of their being. They yearn for your caress. They dream of spending just a few minutes alone with you. Just five, maybe ten minutes, with the doors locked and the two of us, just our two nations, locked together as one. A few wonderful moments of forbidden love, and a lifetime afterwards to remember.

OBAMA: Look, John, I’m very flattered, but this is making me feel uncomfortable.

KEY: Let me tell you something, Mr President. Being here with you today is without doubt the climax of my political career.

OBAMA: It certainly will be memorable. Look, John, I have to cut this meeting short. I just remembered I have to be somewhere else.

KEY: But Mr President . . . I’ve only been here five minutes. I have so many things to say to you. So many words that need to be spoken. There are things I wanted to say to you in Hawaii, but with my son Max there it just didn’t seem the right time.

OBAMA: I’m really sorry, John. It seems that some sort of crisis has blown up, or is about to blow up, or something like that. I’ve no idea what it is, but we’ll come up with something when this meeting has ended.

KEY: Oh you wound me, you wound me, sir! How much do you think a nation’s heart can take? How can you spurn me like this?

OBAMA: It’s Iran. Yes… um… we’re bombing Iran this afternoon. And Syria. Or is it Lebanon? Anyway, we’re bombing a lot of places this afternoon, and there’s a lot of work to do. So I’m afraid we’ll have to cut this meeting short. Let’s get the media in for the symbolic sitting-together photos.

KEY: All right. But can I ask one small favour?

OBAMA: Sure.

KEY: Can we hold each other’s hands?