Hush now

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We’ve been hearing a lot recently from women about their views on men and the problem of violence against women in our society.

But let me give you ladies a word of advice.

Hush now. We don’t need to hear from you. We don’t need you challenging things.

You seem to think we men are ready to have this conversation.  Well let me tell you something, and I think I can safely talk for all men when I say this (barring a handful of pantywaists and Labour Party politicians): we don’t want to know. Why would we? Everything’s fine.

So everything’s not fine for you? So what? What can I do about it? I don’t go about beating or abusing women, so it’s not my concern. I’m not the problem, so why should I listen? Don’t make this out to be my problem, just because you think violence is perpetrated predominantly by men against women.

But I’m not even sure that’s true. I knew a guy once who’d often get the bash from his girlfriend after they’d been drinking. We all thought it was quite funny at the time, even though my mate didn’t see the humour in the situation, but it does go to show that violence isn’t all about men attacking women.

Wait, are you even listening? Be quiet! A man is talking!

Well, screw it. I’ve stopped listening too. I’ve got more important things to worry about, like the World Cup and whether my team will win. Your troubles just don’t exist for me. What did you expect? You women are always complaining about something.

You ought to be grateful for what you’ve got. Didn’t we give you the vote? What thanks did we ever get for giving you equal rights? We could have kept things as they were, and you ladies would have been without any voice at all. You should just be thankful we sometimes let you have your say.

So some gratitude wouldn’t go amiss right about now.

And don’t go thinking that I don’t care because I’m incapable of feeling empathy for others. It’s just not true. I’ll give you an example. When I heard that Todd Carney had been dumped from the Cronulla Sharks I really felt for the guy. He made a silly mistake, and now his career is over. The poor bastard. I felt bloody sad when I heard what they were putting him through, and all because he tried to piss into his own mouth. So maybe he was just thirsty.

You say we men don’t know what it’s like to live in fear, but I say bullshit to that. I was in fear during almost every minute of the All Blacks-France Rugby World Cup final.

And then there are all these apologies for being a male. What a joke! What kind of guy apologises for who he is? Why apologise, when it’s so much easier to stay staunch and loyal to your gender and say “nah, mate, not my problem”? There’s a reason sorry is the hardest word to say. It bloody should be!

Yeah, sure, I wish blokes wouldn’t go around hitting or raping women.  But what can I do? I could take a stand and say to the people around me “I agree, violence against women is abhorrent and utterly unacceptable”, and make more of an effort not to treat women as if they are mere sexual objects, but what’s that going to achieve? Plus, my mates might think I’ve gone soft or queer.

Look, I’ve got nothing against women. I like women, I really do, but they do need to know when to stop. Button it, ladies. Don’t you have kids to look after or dinners to cook?

No, don’t bother answering that, because I’m not listening any more. I’m bored now, and I just don’t care. You may say men like me are part of the problem, but it’s not my problem at all. It’s yours.

Now hand me the remote, will you? The footy’s about to start on the other channel.