The Letter, 12 August

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Above: ACT Party leader and philosopher-hero, Dr Jamie Whyte


The latest edition of Richard Prebble’s ACT Party newsletter

It’s election year, and we are gaining momentum.

Our campaign is going well, despite everything the biased media try to throw at us. Our leader Jamie Whyte continues to obliterate the arguments of his foes, as we saw once again during the minor party leader debate over the weekend. Jamie called all the others out on their communistic policies, and you could see the fear in their eyes as he did so. They know they’re beat, and that a new day is coming.

2014 is our year, but if that turns out not to be the case, then there will be plenty of other years to come. Some scientists reckon that the Earth is over four billion years old, and much as I detest scientists, it does appear to indicate that years tend to come and go, so it seems very likely that if we miss out in 2014 we may be in with a chance sometime in the future. The year 2116 may turn out to be a very good one for ACT. That assumes, of course, that the socialists don’t find some way of freezing time before then, and who would put it past them?

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Jamie was a bit put out to be invited to that minor party debate, because there’s no way any right thinking person would call ACT a minor party. When we queried TV3’s decision, they told us we had no current MPs in Parliament and were polling at less than 1%. But TV3 have got this one badly wrong. Jamie Whyte should be participating in the major  leaders debate, facing up against John Key and that communist David Cunliffe, because ACT is a major party. We’re the party with all the big ideas. We’re a big party.

No other party has been brave enough to advocate a bold return to nineteenth-century style labour laws. And while all the other parties hesitate in the face of vast amounts of scientific data proving beyond all doubt the existence of global warming, we are the only ones prepared to say “la la la not listening!” as we close our eyes and block our ears.

We plan to defeat climate change by just ignoring it. We very much hope that if we simply refuse to talk about things that are bothersome, or inconvenient or embarrassing, they will just magically disappear. We’re hoping climate change will turn out to be like former ACT Party MP David Garrett: a lot of hot air that caused trouble and annoyance for just about everyone, before being discredited, disgraced, and then completely forgotten.

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Our new corporate tax policy has generated a lot of excitement. Our plan to lift GDP growth by a third by simply dropping corporate tax rates will transform the economy, but it’s only the first step in our grand plan to turn this country around. A fully deregulated environment in which employers and employees negotiate terms that suit them, free from the clutter of minimum wages, sick leave entitlements and basic health and safety requirements, will boost jobs. If employers could get away with paying slave wages, why wouldn’t they hire more people?

Our opponents have described our corporate tax policy as “barking mad”, but the one thing we’ve discovered over the years is that if 99% of the population think you’re nuts, you’re probably on the right track.

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ACT is the only party prepared to address the very real issues facing the nation, like Maori entitlement and the incest taboo, and as a result we tend to cop a lot of flak from the media. I have heard some people say that our policies on the environment, employment law, social policy, race relations and the economy are informed by stupidity and ignorance, or plain greed, which is great news, because it means people must be reading our policies.

We saw an example of this public outrage recently when Jamie went on the offensive against Maori entitlement and privilege. Jamie’s speech was powerful and masterful, but if it could be faulted for anything it would be his comparison of Maori entitlement with the privileges enjoyed by the nobles of the Ancien Régime. There really is no reasonable basis for comparing the two. Did any of these great French aristocrats enjoy the privileges that our modern day Maori does? I think not. Not a single pre-revolution French nobleman had Sky TV, electricity or a microwave.

Your average modern day Maori doesn’t know how good he has it, but he will now that Jamie has told him. Maori people will be reading Jamie’s fine speech in prisons and dialysis wards all around the country, and their eyes will be opened as they realise that their future lies with a bald white philosopher. We expect thousands and thousands of votes from grateful Maori this election. We will win the Maori seats. We don’t have any candidates yet for the Maori seats, but we expect the winners in those electorates to defect to ACT once they read Jamie’s speech.

It’s unfortunate that some people have claimed they didn’t like Jamie’s speech on Maori entitlement, but that’s only because they didn’t bother to read what he said. They may have said they read his speech, but they were lying. How could they be telling the truth? I’ve never bothered to read any of Jamie’s philosophical works, but he assures me that his arguments are irrefutable. So it stands to reason that anyone reading what Jamie wrote would have been convinced.

As for Dame Susan Devoy, she has shown herself to be totally unfit for office. The former squash player turned PC bureaucrat wasted no time in attacking Jamie over his speech, in a manner that was both disgraceful and inappropriate. What exactly does the Race Relations Commissioner think she is doing getting involved in race relations issues? She should stick to her job.

And where was Susan Devoy when Winston Peters made fun of the Chinese? Why didn’t Devoy respond immediately to Peters’ crude racist jokes? Why wasn’t a press release ready to go five minutes after Peters’ offensive remarks? Why should she take the time to consider her position before issuing a press release? We never do.

The Race Relations Commissioner has shown her true colours, and they’re all brown. It’s terribly sad that in this supposedly democratic and free society we live in a paid bureaucrat should be working so hard to shut down debate. The ACT Party isn’t afraid of debate. In fact we welcome robust debate on this issue, because we’re the only party that stands for freedom of expression and freedom of opinion. If Dame Susan Devoy doesn’t understand this then she should stay silent. If we are part of the next government we will be pushing for her office to be shut down.

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Our candidate for Epsom is David Seymour. David is a phenomenal talent. Let me tell you a little bit about David. Did you know that David was assembling space rockets for NASA before he was out of nappies? That he dropped out of school at age seven after realising that he knew more than his teachers ever would?

David’s only thirty-one, but he has a wealth of real-world experience to call upon. David spent twelve years wandering the Middle East in search of spiritual enlightenment, and bringing peace to many previously troubled regions, before working in the US to save the global financial system from collapse. There are tribes in the Arabian desert that revere David’s name, and in several Indian provinces mothers sing their children to sleep with songs of the Great White Ghost who bought justice to their troubled lands. Last year all the biggest hedge fund managers in New York got together to start fundraising for a gold statue of David, which will be installed in the new World Trade Centre.

But David’s heart was always in New Zealand, and so he returned home determined to give something back to the country that raised him. He’s already leading the way in Epsom, which should be no surprise to anyone familiar with his history of success. David has found success in everything he has ever tried his hand at, from the sports field to the bedroom. He once coached a kids’ rugby team with such skill that by the end of the season they were regularly winning games by more than a thousand points. He could have been a great sportsman, or an award-winning playwright, or a leading architect, but instead David decided to stand for ACT. David wants to make a difference, and with the mighty ACT Party machine behind him the sky is the limit.

David has quickly turned the Epsom contest on its head, and the electorate is now ours for the taking. He has knocked on so many doors that just about everyone in Parnell and Newmarket now knows him personally. David has run out of doors to knock on, so he has now started banging on windows. Everyone David meets, without a single exception, plans to vote for him. Epsom is suddenly being swamped by thousands of new residents, people moving into the electorate just so they can vote for David. Even the Green Party candidate for Epsom, Julie Anne Genter, plans to vote ACT this election, although if you ask her if this is true she will deny it.

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Which other party has seen its support rocket up by more than 500% in the last few months?

Before Jamie Whyte took over as leader, ACT was polling at about 0.1%. Now we’re polling as high as 0.5%. That’s a 500% increase. If we can sustain that rate of increase we’ll be the biggest party in Parliament after September 20.

We’re not listening to the pundits who have written us off. We were written off last election too, but we surprised everyone by coming back powerfully to win in Epsom. It’s true that in 2011 we went from five MPs down to one, and now we have zero, but in politics it’s not just about the numbers. Sometimes it’s easier to get things done when there are fewer of you to argue over the issues. So getting one MP into Parliament after the election will represent a major victory, and getting no MPs at all will be an utter triumph.

We may have been in decline as a party for some years, with assaults against us on almost every front. But our time is nigh. We can turn back the tide. We cannot fail, we must not fail, we will not fail. We are ready for this battle, which is why we are building a special underground war-room in a secret location in Newmarket. This bunker will serve as our command centre and operations room during the election campaign, and this is where Jamie and his closest advisers will dispatch orders to ACT Party activists during the final days of our campaign. It will be a brutal campaign, but we will fight to the end! We will not yield an inch. We must defend Epsom to the last man! There will be no surrender!

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