A statement from the Prime Minister

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I have been in the United Kingdom this week talking with our allies, and these talks have reinforced to me the important role New Zealand can play in the global battle against Kim Dotcom. Sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. I meant to say international terrorism.

We are now entering a crucial phase in the campaign against Mr Dotcom. Oops, I did it again. I meant Islamic State. We must stand firm and show Mr Dotcom… sorry, I mean the terrorists… that we are not afraid.

We must stand with our allies in their ongoing obsession with Kim Dot… sorry, I mean in the ongoing fight against extremism. By working together with other nations we can build a coalition of willing partners and defeat the growing threat posed by that large German. Sorry, I mean these Jihadists.

It won’t be easy, because Dotcom has… sorry… because these people have considerable resources and are determined to succeed, but we are in this for the long haul. It may take years before we finally extradite… ah… before we finally defeat Islamic State, but we will not shirk from the battle. Because the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about. We have seen from recent events in Coatesville… um… in Paris that doing nothing is not an option.

We must pursue these Internet… ah… these Islamist extremists with energy and determination. This fight may require us to review some of our surveillance laws, in order to ensure that our security agencies have all the tools they need to take the fight to Mr Dotcom… er… Islamic State and are not embarrassed as a result of… I mean impeded in their work for the US government… I mean in their work with other security agencies around the world in order to bring down Mr Dotcom… ah… I mean bring down  ISIS.

We must ensure that our authorities have all the resources they need to monitor anyone suspected of befriending Kim Dotcom… I mean aiding and abetting ISIS, even though such persons… sorry, I mean to ensure such persons… do not pose any risk to the public. We will also be tightening our customs and border control processes to make it much more difficult for friends and associates of Dotcom… ah… of the Jihadists to enter New Zealand, and I am pleased to say that progress has already been made in that area.  Anyone suspected of being linked to Kim Dotcom… I mean to Jihadist groups… and who comes through New Zealand border control can expect to be grilled by our officials. We will do everything possible to make the lives of Dotcom’s friends… sorry I mean the lives of these extremists… as uncomfortable as possible. I make no apology if that means intimidating and bullying people associated with Mr Dotcom… I mean causing some minor inconvenience to the travelling public.

This will of course require a co-ordinated effort by a number of government agencies, but we all share the desire to keep the United States government happy. Sorry, I mean we all share the desire to obtain a free trade agreement with the US and another invitation to the White House at any cost. No, what I meant to say was that we all share the desire to avoid embarrassment to my own administration. Bugger… no, let’s try that again. We all share the desire to keep the public safe from the threat of copyright infringement. Yes, that’s it.

Wait, no! The threat of international terrorism! Silly me. It must be the jetlag talking. I’m not at all obsessed with that troublesome German bastard, curse him and all his works for all eternity.