A guide for foreign types who might be considering a trip to Aotearoa

Above: this is the sort of thing you foreign types can look forward to seeing when you visit New Zealand.

I have written a short guide to assist foreign types with their planned visits to our splendid country.

If you are one of these foreign types, then you really are very lucky to be coming here. We are clean, green and friendly, unlike the land you come from. I have been to foreign parts, and some of them were very smelly indeed. By the way, where are you from? No, it doesn’t matter. Why would it matter? I can’t imagine any country exists that can match New Zealand for sheer beauty.

Despite the wonders that await the visitor to this stunning and idyllic land, a few foreign types have complained recently about the way they have been treated by the locals. Foreign types have had their car keys taken from them, or been punched in the face. In most cases problems have arisen as a result of cross-cultural misunderstandings. In these situations Kiwis have became understandably cross as a result of having to deal with foreignness. And who can blame these simple but worthy Kiwi folk? We are a peaceful people living in the best goddamn country in the world, but some foreign types will take liberties.

In order to prevent further cross-cultural difficulties arising, I have written a short guide to help foreign types such as your good self. We are an enlightened and progressive nation, but we do have standards, and we expect our visitors to adhere to them, even if that sometimes means requiring foreign types to adopt ways and customs that may seem queer and peculiar.

If you are one of these foreign types, please take a few minutes to read this guide. It may not prevent you from receiving a richly deserved punch in the face, but it will ensure you have a better understanding of how the locals do things in these non-foreign parts.

It’s a wonderful country, so make sure you tell us

If someone asks you “how do you like New Zealand?” make sure to answer the question with glowing praise. Do not hesitate in your answer! This should not be too difficult, since New Zealand is the most beautiful country in the world, and if you can’t see that for yourself, well, then a punch in the face is probably more than you deserve.

The best team in the world

Please be sure to do your sporting research before you come here. When I say “sporting” I obviously mean just rugby. There are some rugby-hating people in New Zealand, but most of them live on Stewart Island, and you won’t be going there on your trip.

Make sure you are well-equipped to answer clearly and concisely when asked who has the best rugby team in the world. Don’t answer “England.”

If you are a South African, you may choose your own national team, as we have a great rivalry with and respect for the Springboks, even though they are all thugs.

It’s also okay if you answer “Australia,” regardless of your nationality, because people will just assume you are having a laugh.

Get orf moi laaaand!

You are welcome to spend your money during your visit here, but please know your limits. Not everything here is for sale, and some items may only be acquired by Kiwis.

In particular, we would appreciate it if you could resist the temptation to buy our real estate. While we understand that we have the most beautiful scenery of any country in the world bar none, the insatiable greed of you foreign types has resulted in many of us good and true New Zealanders being unable to afford our own home.

So a foreign type who stops outside a real estate office to look at the pictures in the window should not be surprised if he or she ends up being punched in the face by one of the locals.

But none of this applies to our non-Asian visitors, of course. Fill yer boots!

Arts and culture

Please familiarise yourself with New Zealand arts, culture and literature before coming here. We take these things very seriously. You might like to prepare for your trip by reading The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

You should also buy a copy of Eleanor Catton’s The Luminaries, although you should not feel pressured to get through this vast book before heading to New Zealand. Nobody has ever actually read it.

Smashing the road toll

A number of foreign types have been involved in fatal car accidents recently. To counter the menace of foreign types on our roads, a number of concerned citizens have taken it upon themselves to take the car keys from tourist drivers, and to punch them in the face.

Please do not be alarmed if you are forced off the road and bashed, have your car keys taken, and are left stranded in the middle of nowhere. This is for your own good. We are smashing the road toll by smashing foreign types.

And besides, we have the most stunning scenery in the world. Why wouldn’t you want to be stranded in the middle of nowhere? It’s beautiful!

Freedom from filth

You foreign types like to do your business in public places. We understand that, and we’re not about to judge you for your perversions. But when you freedom camp, don’t expect to just leave your filth any old place. Human waste belongs in a toilet, or on a Queen Street footpath on Friday night.

New ideas – just not yours

We are a peaceful and tolerant nation that has striven hard to deal with past grievances by Maori. We value diversity and inclusion, and have no time for racism or extremism of any sort. We have always been welcoming of those with new ideas, and that is how it must always remain. So don’t even think of coming here and ruining everything with your filthy foreign ideologies.

Attire

Please do try to look less foreign if you are stepping out of the major city centres. Small-town locals can become violent and resentful when confronted with strange attire, such as the hijab or the burqa, or an English rugby jersey.

Two world wars, two World Cups

We fought two world wars against foreign types, and we won both of them. How did your lot go? We killed an awful lot of foreign types during these wars, so if you manage to leave New Zealand with nothing worse to complain about than a punch in the face, you should probably consider your trip a success.

Be sure to tell your friends and family how wonderful everything was: the scenery, the food, the wine, and the people in the Accident and Emergency Department.

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