Above: Raoul Island, the largest island in the Kermadecs

Of all the rotten, despicable tricks played by this government, surely the worst must be the decision to make the Kermadec region an ocean sanctuary.

The trick is all the more despicable because, on the face of it, creating a huge marine sanctuary seems entirely laudable. The Kermadec area is home to thousands of species of seabirds, fish and other marine animals, many of them endangered.

But a trick it most certainly is, because it has to be, doesn’t it? National are bad people, ergo creating a vast marine sanctuary must be an act of calculated evil designed to wrong-foot National’s opponents.

I can only speculate on why the Nasty Nats might have done this. Why don’t they want commercial fishing boats going into the area? What are they trying to hide? What are they doing on those islands?

I’m not saying John Key is building a giant concentration camp on the islands in order to dispose of leftists, solo mothers, beneficiaries, and other undesirables. But if he isn’t building a huge death camp there, why doesn’t he just come out and say it? National’s silence on the issue of these Kermadec death camps is damning.

And what of our supine media? Why aren’t they asking the hard questions? Like how many dungeons does John Key have built into his Parnell home? How many human skins does he keep in his wardrobe? And which human body part does he think is the tastiest?

We need answers, but of course we won’t get them. John Key won’t even produce his birth certificate for inspection to prove once and for all that he isn’t some terrifying cyborg monster sent from the future to enslave the entire human race. So I don’t hold out much hope.

Update: And now the government has announced a $2 million boost to help the Auckland homeless. The money will go towards the provision of emergency housing. I think we all know what they mean by “housing.” These people are monsters.