Have we won yet?

We go through the same thing every four years, don’t we? People fretting about the performance of our boys in black. Every World Cup year we experience an explosion of anxiety and dismay across the country, as All Blacks supporters worry about the team and how it is going.

If we win a pool game easily, it means we’re not prepared enough for the difficult contests ahead. If we win ugly, it means we’re not in good shape and are doomed to be defeated during the knockout stages.

Dodgy refs, food poisoning, Richie’s foot, Dan’s kicking, the ever terrifying and mystifying French: there’s a lot to be worried about if you’re an All Blacks supporter.

But why worry? It’s just a game. And people are overlooking one obvious thing: we’ve got this. It’s in the bag. Stop stressing, because the Rugby World Cup will still be ours at the end of this tournament.

It’s not arrogance to point out that our players are the best in the world in most positions, and that we have the best bench, the best coaches, and the fittest squad. No other team can match ours.

Defeat is not an option. It really isn’t. It’s not even available as an option. That’s how shit-hot we are.

Don’t worry about the dangerous Australians. Sure, they looked useful against England, but we’ll sort them out. The Australian rugby team is like an earthworm left lying on the footpath. We’ll squash it! The South Africans are big and slow, and none of the Northern Hemisphere teams look up for it this time round. There is no-one on the planet capable of defeating our boys when it comes to the crucial games.

None of this – stating the obvious, that is – should be viewed as overconfidence. It’s not overconfidence to assert that the sun will rise in the morning, so why should my statement expressing the certainty of an ABs triumph all be treated any differently? We’re dealing with facts here, not opinions. We are the best in the world, and we’ll crush anyone who comes up against us. Those are facts.

It’s not hubris to assert that we cannot be beaten in this tournament, and will destroy all before us. I’m just telling it how it is.

But where is our form, you ask? Sure, it was an average performance against Georgia the other day. But if we looked poor against Georgia, it was only because of boredom. Imagine being the best in the world and having to demean yourself by being forced to play against a bunch of honest but hopeless toilers. I pity our guys, who really are too good for this competition. They are in a different league to the other teams, and if there was any justice in the world the whole event would have been called off a year ago. Why go through this tedious process when we already know who is going to win? JUST GIVE US THE GODDAMN CUP NOW!

People will point out that we thought much the same thing back in 2007. We were the best in the world, and the French were going to be smashed when we played them in the quarterfinal. But things will be different this time. The French only beat us in 2007 because they scored more points than us.

That won’t happen again, if indeed we even meet the French in this competition. Our players are superior to theirs. Not just as rugby players, but as people. I have nothing against the French, but they are an inferior, despicable race. The same can be said for most of our opponents.

So stop worrying and just enjoy the spectacle. Not necessarily the All Blacks games, because we already know who will win those. But the contest for second place is looking interesting. It’s early days, but it looks as if it may be Australia we end up smashing in the final.

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