The 2015 Imperator Fish Awards

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The 2015 Imperator Fish Awards are now open for voting.

Who were your stars in 2015? Who had a bad year?

Which public figure would you most like to smash over the head with a shovel? Which politician dominated your sex dreams this year?

Have your say!

THE “WALKING DEAD” AWARD FOR DOOMED PERSISTENCE 

This award is for those public figures who just won’t stay down. They’re as good as dead, but they just keep on going. Someone should really put them out of their misery.

Jeremy Corbyn

It’s hard to imagine a Labour Party leader being loathed by large sections of his own caucus, but beloved of the party faithful. It could never happen here, could it? I’m sure it will all work out fine, until one of the many Blairite Labour MPs determined to stop him works out that you have to shoot them in the head or they just keep that zombie death walk going.

Mark Weldon

The CEO of MediaWorks has overseen falling ratings, and has presided over the almost complete destruction of news and current affairs at the network. It turns out that viewers aren’t all complete morons, and that many of them will just change channel if you treat them badly. He’d better make sure he finds out soon where the light switches are.

 

THE “FEAR THE WALKING DEAD” RESURRECTION AWARD

This award recognises those whom we had written off but just got back up again.

Judith Collins

Who can believe it? We all thought she was politically dead. The Minister for Oravida is back in Cabinet after a short stint away, which gave her some much needed time to tend to the garden, look after her local car dealers, and get those compromising photographs of the Prime Minister developed, because how the hell else could she have made such a comeback?

Winston Peters

Northland? Not a chance! He’s washed up. He’ll retire soon!

Chris Cairns

We all thought he was going down, but it turns out that he didn’t do it! He’s innocent – completely legit. Chris Cairns is so squeaky clean that you could lie him flat and use him as a bench to prepare a meal on.

 

THE “FIRST AGAINST THE WALL COME THE REVOLUTION” AWARD FOR CLASS TREASON

A reminder to those on the left that while National may be your opponent, the real enemy is much closer.

Josie Pagani

It’s hard to disagree with anything she says or writes about the Labour Party, especially if you happen to be an opponent of the Labour Party.

Stuart Nash

To be fair to Nash, it takes political courage to call for unity while at the same time slagging various party members.

Kelvin Davis

Very popular and a star in the making, but I don’t agree with 100% of what he says so he must be destroyed.

Richie McCaw

McCaw is probably the most admired person in the country right now. So it makes sense that he should be targeted by the activist left.

 

THE “WHOM THE GODS WOULD DESTROY, THEY FIRST MAKE MAD” AWARD

Colin Craig

I don’t mean literally mad, Mr Craig. Of course not. No, really, there’s no need to call your solicitor. Let’s be reasonable about this. Did I mention how much I enjoyed your poetry? You have a real talent there.

Andrew Little

The Labour Party leader recently jumped out of a plane, attached to a parachute. If I were the leader of a political party with a recent history of backstabbing, betrayal and pointless self-destruction, there are some activities I would never engage in, no matter how many safety checks I conducted beforehand. Craziness!

The US Republican Party

With Donald Trump’s popularity showing no sign of waning, it seems increasingly likely that a fascist will win the Republican presidential nomination. Now I don’t hold out that much hope for the US, but I don’t think that even they would elect a fascist as President.

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The British Labour Party

For electing as leader a man whose values and integrity we all admire greatly, and who will be utterly annihilated come the next election (in the unlikely event that he lasts that long).

 

THE “WHATEVER HAPPENED TO” AWARD

The Civilian

Why did it stop? What happened?

Patrick Gower

If a tree falls in a forest, etc. Nobody watches TV3 any more, so is Gower still doing his thing?

Paul Henry

See above.

Mike Sabin

Am I allowed to even mention his name?

 

THE MARTYN BRADBURY MEMORIAL AWARD FOR ACCURATE PREDICTIONS

(Don’t worry, people, he’s not dead)

 

MOST ANNOYINGLY COMPETENT ENEMY

Peter Dunne

Continues to use his one parliamentary vote to great effect. This poodle has a bite.

Bill English

Got us that surplus, somehow. He was supposed to fail. What a bastard.

Paula Bennett

Malice and political competence are always a dangerous combination.

 

THE “IF ONLY THERE WAS A GERMAN WORD TO DESCRIBE THE TAKING OF PLEASURE FROM SOMEONE ELSE’S MISFORTUNE” AWARD

Rachel Glucina

The gossip queen’s new venture Scout has all but disappeared without trace, which saddens us all.

Cameron Slater

Slater’s had a great year, if a measure one’s greatness is the number of legal proceedings they are involved in. His pleas for money to help fight various fires are becoming ever more desperate, and he is increasingly becoming an embarrassment to those who were previously happy to use him to do the jobs nobody else would touch. Kia kaha, Cam!

Tony Abbott

Nobody cried when this onion-munching tosser got his marching orders, apart from Tony Abbott. Or maybe that was the onions.


ENIGMA OF THE YEAR

Tim Groser

Our outgoing Trade Minister has a reputation as a fearsome international negotiator. No-one knows why.

The entire Flag Consideration Panel

Look, I’m sure you’re all lovely people and well-respected in your chosen fields, etc etc, but what the hell happened?

Murray McCully

Anyone else would have been fired over the Saudi sheep fiasco. What’s his secret?

 

ARSEHOLE OF THE YEAR

 

WOMAN POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR

 

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