Embed from Getty Images

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Above: Queenstown, also known as the Murder Capital of the Southern Hemisphere. The citizens of this hellish South Island town live next to a lake filled with toxic sludge

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The Guardian newspaper has run a series of articles about New Zealand, after it was reported that over ten thousand Britons have registered with Immigration New Zealand.

People can be forgiven for wanting to seek a better life away from the UK, particularly with years of uncertainty ahead for Brexit-bound Britain. You’ve all been sold stories about our magnificent landscapes, our diverse and multicultural society, our tolerance and friendliness, so it’s understandable that you’re thinking we must live in a South Pacific paradise. But I’m afraid to say you’ve been led up the garden path. You don’t want to live here. You really don’t want to live here.

Perhaps the biggest lie of all is the one we tell visitors about our natural environment. We sell ourselves as an idyllic paradise blessed with stunning scenery. The truth, however, is somewhat different. Our waterways are so polluted with runoff from intensive dairy farming, that to venture into our lakes is to risk almost certain death. Our farmers don’t give a damn that their cows are defecating in our drinking water. Far from it. Only last year our police busted a covert syndicate involving farmers competing to see who could “earn” the most “scalps” (i.e. cause the most deaths) from polluting their local waterways. This syndicate (known here as Federated Farmers) has since been shut down, but an investigative report by New Zealand Herald journalists earlier this year discovered other farmer groups engaged in the same activities.

The biggest mistake you can make when you visit New Zealand is to leave one of the main urban centres. You may have seen footage of our beautiful lakes and mountains, our wild forests and pristine beaches, and thought “I’d love to see that in person.” What those glossy tourism videos won’t tell you, though, is that these environments are lethal. New Zealand has a species of giant carnivorous insect known as the weta, and the forests are teeming with them. Weta are attracted to bright clothing and loud noises, and they like nothing more than to pounce on a pack of tourists out to see the sights. While a single weta bite is usually survivable, they almost always hunt in groups. You will be relatively safe from these giant insects while you remain in one of our cities, because our cat population keeps them largely in check (cat ownership is mandatory). Just be aware that you really do gamble with your life when you venture further afield.

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Above: the carnivorous tree weta. In 2014 weta attacks were responsible for over 80 tourist deaths

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You may have heard that our many beaches are blessed with golden sands and are almost deserted. This is all true. What they don’t tell you is that if you step into the water you’re likely to be stung by a poisonous jellyfish. And if you leave any part of your skin exposed to the sun for more than five minutes during summertime, the brutal UV rays will leave you scorched and cancer-riddled.

Not everywhere in New Zealand is an abomination, an offence to our Creator, it is true. Some parts of New Zealand are a genuinely welcome sight. Like the Auckland International Airport’s departure lounge.

I could tell you more about our hellish landscapes, our awful environment, our pestilence and poison-filled waterways, our killer trees, our murderous native bees, our savagely brutal winters, our arid and unforgiving deserts. But it’s the people you really need to be worried about.

I’ve heard people say we’re a friendly folk, welcoming of outsiders and tolerant of other views and lifestyles. All I can say to this is that these people have obviously been paid off by Tourism New Zealand. The reality is that the inhabitants of New Zealand are truly terrible. Not just in the way they behave, but in the way they look. And the smell. Oh my god, the smell! Most big music acts no longer visit New Zealand because the stench that emanates from our packed venues is quite literally life-threatening. Imagine ten thousand people defecating in a rubbish dump, and that’s the Vector Arena on a good night. New Zealanders are big on nature, and there’s nothing worse to the average Kiwi than washing away the filth, grime and sweat that God blessed them with.

We’re also a physically repellant people, but this does have the occasional upside. Peter Jackson was able to save a lot of money by making The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand, because none of the actors he cast as orc warriors needed any makeup or prosthetics.

While we can seem friendly and welcoming at first, our warm and hospitable nature hides a dark savagery. Cannibalism is rife in many Auckland inner-city suburbs, while in parts of the South Island religious cults have been known to kidnap entire school buses full of children. There is an open trade in body organs, and the main online market for body parts, Trade Me, is one of the most visited websites in the country. Such activities are supposedly against the law, but the police can’t or won’t take action. That’s understandable, considering the lack of resources our law enforcement officials have to work with. Ongoing government spending cuts have left our coppers under huge strain, to the point where the Auckland Central Police Station comprises just one part-time officer, and the entire South Island has been left to its own devices.

This pressure on our police probably explains at least in part the culture of lawlessness and cruelty that has arisen in this country during the prime-ministership of John Key. Key came to power in 2008 promising a brighter future, and relief from almost a decade of Stalinist terror. Sadly, Key has turned out just like all the other dictators we’ve had over the years. His very first executive actions were to abolish Parliament, shut down almost every government department, burn down the capital city, and in its place erect a giant stone pyramid built using the labour of thousands of former civil servants. Key’s government has also made possession of the letter W a criminal offence, to go with our existing laws against P. If things keep going the way they have been, we’ll soon be left with no alphabet at all. So much for that brighter future.

Our international reputation has historically been a good one, but things are changing. We were the first nation to declare ourselves anti-nuclear, but this was only after inspectors verified the complete shut down of our nuclear weapons programme in compliance with UN Resolution 2116 on the Situation in New Zealand. We were the first country to give women the vote, but only after we had given the franchise to pigs, goats, chickens and the criminally insane. We’re currently on the United Nations Security Council, and one of our former prime ministers is in the running to head the UN, but that’s only because she’s a power-crazed despot who wants to rule the world. Only now is the rest of the world beginning to wake up to the freakshow that is the nation of New Zealand.  Amnesty International’s 2015 report on New Zealand has described the country as a “lawless hellhole populated by violent and deranged idiots, and honestly we don’t even see the point of trying to help these stupid people. Go to hell, Aotearoa!” So, yeah, we could probably do with some good reputation management.

If you still think New Zealand’s the place for you, despite everything I’ve warned you about, then here are a few tips to help you survive:

• Don’t mention the weather. You’re British, and that’s all you ever want to talk about, but climatic conversations are regarded as the height of rudeness here. In Auckland an observation about the prevailing sunny conditions will earn you a stern rebuke from the natives, but in Invercargill it may well get you killed.
• Rugby. Everyone plays it. I mean everyone. We take our rugby very seriously, so don’t make the mistake of mentioning any other sport during your time here. You may be dead keen on your English football, but keep it to yourself and don’t mention your obsession to the locals. In Invercargill it may well get you killed.
• The food is terrible and expensive, and New Zealand has some of the most unpalatable wines you will ever try. For some reason the New Zealand wine industry reckon they’re onto a winner because they keep selling so much of their product into the big UK supermarket chains. But you Brits know that the only place on the shop aisles you’ll find New Zealand wine is with all the other heavy duty cleaning products. I’ll give these wine folk at least some credit. A bottle of Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc clears the drains every time.
• New Zealand has a thriving arts scene, but most of what they produce here is indescribably grim. I guess that’s understandable when one considers how terrible this place is. It’s no wonder that all of our most celebrated artworks have focused on the themes of incest and child abuse. We also have a booming film industry, with a number of our films achieving international success. Have you seen Once Were Warriors? Did you know they marketed that film here as a comedy?
• Do visit the South Island, but don’t leave the safety of your car. In Invercargill it may well get you killed.