Dear Leader: Thank you for joining me on this Zoom call, comrades! I’ve also asked Comrade Bloomfield to join us, as he’ll be able to brief you on some of the more technical aspects of our despicable plan to steal democracy from right under the noses of ordinary hard-working New Zealanders.

Comrade Bloomfield: Thank you, Dear Leader. It is a pleasure to be here. It’s nice to take a break from all my relentless propagandising.

Dear Leader: So I thought we should start off by summarising what we have achieved so far, and then we can talk about our plans to progress the revolution. Comrade Robertson, did you want to start?

Comrade Robertson: Thank you, Dear Leader. May I just say that we are all in awe of your astonishing and inspiring leadership. Anyway, Stage 1 of our plan to dupe the gullible masses has gone off without a hitch. We are well on our way to convincing the public that we are the only ones who can keep them safe, and that anyone who questions our decisions must be treated as an enemy of the state. We can now move safely to Stage 2.

Dear Leader: Remind me again, comrades – what is Stage 2?

Comrade Parker: Stage 2 is where the public finally lose all trust in the Opposition. As soon as they realise there’s no sensible alternative to following our instructions, we’ll be well on our way towards one-party rule. On that front, I’m happy to announce that Stage 2 has already begun and has borne immediate fruit. Opinion polls show that the masses now have complete contempt for the leader of the National Party.

Comrade O’Connor: That is good work, Comrade Parker. How did you do it?

Comrade Parker: Well that’s the thing. I’m not really sure how it happened. It certainly wasn’t my department’s doing. But I assume one of my comrades organised to drug or hypnotise the Leader of the Opposition into saying all those stupid things. Which one of you was it?

Comrade Bloomfield: It wasn’t my department either. I wish I could take the credit, but there have been regulatory hurdles in the way of our sourcing the mind control drugs we plan to put into the drinking water. It also doesn’t help that our largest city has gone and run out of water.

Comrade Parker: The Leader of the Opposition has been utterly tone-deaf in his criticism of the lockdown. I just assumed one of my comrades must have got to him. Who was it?

[there is silence]

Dear Leader: Comrades, you are all too modest to admit responsibility. Well done to whoever it was. Now, Comrade Woods, where are we at with sourcing jackboots and brown shirts for the militia thugs we’ll soon have roaming the streets to enforce our terror regime?

Comrade Woods: Ah yes, about that. There’s been a bit of a hiccup, I’m afraid to say. I ordered the shirts online at Kmart, but the delivery still hasn’t arrived. The courier company has said it could be days.

Dear Leader: This is completely unacceptable, Comrade Woods! Have you used track and trace?

Comrade Woods: Yes, Dear Leader, but the parcel hasn’t even arrived at the depot.

Dear Leader: And the jackboots?

Comrade Woods: We’ve had better success there, but…

Dear Leader: What? Tell me!

Comrade Woods: I’m just not sure we’ve fully thought through this plan to put Young Labour into uniform and use them as our shock troops to smash all opposition on the streets.

Dear Leader: Why not? They’re young, they have energy and belief. They’re perfect!

Comrade Woods: I’m just not sure they’re cut out to be an effective paramilitary force. For starters, most of them don’t know how to fight.

Comrade Twyford: I disagree, Comrade Woods. I have seen some of them in action on Twitter, and by God they can fight!

Comrade Woods: But we need more than just fighting words, Comrade Twyford. We need a disciplined fighting force that can be deployed to smash all opposition to our planned tyranny. Could you imagine directing these people in battle? If you commanded them to turn right they would turn left. In fact, left is the only direction they know.

Dear Leader: So we don’t have a fighting force yet. Have we at least built any concentration camps for our enemies? Comrade Salesa?

Comrade Salesa: Dear Leader, I regret that we have been unable to progress this building programme. It looks as if we won’t be able to get resource consents for any of these camps. And even if we can get them built, we won’t be able to concentrate masses of our enemies in them due to social distancing rules. I am very sorry, Dear Leader!

Dear Leader: Your failure has been noted, Comrade Salesa. Comrade Hipkins, tell me about our plans to brainwash all the children and turn them against their parents.

Comrade Hipkins: Dear Leader, I am sorry to say we have not been entirely successful. We have tried to re-educate the children while they are trapped at home, but we can’t get them off Tiktok. However, we have managed to turn parents and kids against each other.

Dear Leader: Well that’s something at least.

Comrade Hipkins: Though I should point out that it’s only because the kids have driven their parents mad during the lockdown.

Dear Leader: That wasn’t part of the plan! Has anyone got anything positive to say? Anything at all? Have we at least managed to suppress free speech?

Comrade Little: No luck there, I’m afraid, Dear Leader. There are plenty of people in the media criticising our actions in government. We just can’t seem to keep a lid on all this dissent. Some of these critics seem to know about our plan to usher in tyranny.

Dear Leader: Who told them? Has there been a leak? Comrade Clark?

Comrade Clark: It wasn’t me who let the team down, Dear Leader. For once.

Dear Leader: Well we can’t have all this questioning of our authority. Have their views suppressed immediately!

Comrade Little: But how, Dear Leader? Without an armed revolutionary vanguard to smash our enemies, how will we silence dissent?

Dear Leader: There is only one thing to do. It’s a tried and tested tactic of every extremist movement looking to seize power. We will debate their views in the news media, Facebook and Twitter!

Comrade Davis: Aha!

Comrade Bloomfield: They won’t know what hit ’em!

Comrade Nash: Truly despicable!