Comrades, I Feel Your Pain

Uncompromising left-wing columnist Bob Mittsky returns after a long sabbatical.

Comrades, I know it has been a while since my last column, but my role as Chairman of the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa forces me to travel a great deal. The rights of our brethren in some parts of the Pacific remain under threat, and the corrupt forces of capitalism and imperialism have left these poor simple and unenlightened savages in a state of distress. So I have been doing what I can to give succour to these people, talking to them in the resorts and finding out first-hand the types of conditions they endure.

My fact-finding mission has taken me to various Fijian islands, and to Rarotonga, Aitutaki, Tahiti and Noumea. Brothers, let me tell you there is nothing more exhausting than being stuck on an idyllic Pacific island drinking cocktails and lying by the pool, while contemplating class struggle.

I’m back now in the country, and just in time. While I was gone the Government announced sweeping changes to our labour laws. Off came the velvet glove, and the nation saw at last the real John Key: a ruthless moneyman whose hatred of the workers and the poor is only matched by his insatiable greed.

Now the bosses and their running dogs are attacking the welfare state and the foundations upon which it stands. Great men like Savage, Lee and Kirk must be turning in their graves at the news of this atrocity.

This time a line has been crossed. Mark my words, these changes go too far. They have pushed the workers one time too many, and soon they will discover that the proletariat, once mobilised, can be a terrifying force.

With your support we can return to better times, and reverse the damage done by almost forty years of crony capitalism. Let the early 1970s be an inspiration to us. Those years were ones of cultural enlightenment. We had a Labour prime minister who looked after the workers, moustachioed trade unionists were a potent political force, and women and brown people understood they had no business in the affairs of state. The world has changed since the 1970s, and the socialist utopia that was the Soviet Union is forever lost, but we can return to better times if we are prepared to fight for them.

The struggle has already begun. The first battle in the fight was the heroic storming of that bastion of Babel capitalism, Sky City, during the National Party conference. It was unfortunate that none of the class enemies and traitors within the complex met the fates they so richly deserved, but we will have further opportunities to exact swift and ruthless justice against each and every one of these collaborators and fascists. And that is why I am calling on all of my followers to do whatever it takes to stop these people – whatever it takes. Smash them! Root out the infection and clean the body politic of the disease once and for all!

But let me be clear that when I say “whatever it takes,” I am not inciting you to do anything that could cause me legal difficulties. I leave it for you to decide the extent to which you will take your commitment to the cause. I would certainly not shed a single tear if every one of those class enemies was at my feet bleeding and twitching in their death throes, but just remember if you do something drastic that it was all your idea, and not mine.

You see, it’s important I keep myself squeaky-clean. It’s a sacrifice I must make for the Party. The fascists who run our security and Gestapo apparatuses are already after me, and if I give them any pretext at all they will close down the Party and destroy our organisation.

That is why I must continue with this ruse, even though every moment of this deception causes me pain. Spending last summer in Mark Hotchin’s Hawaiian beach house was an unspeakable horror that I am glad no other Party member will have to endure. And being the recipient of a Queen’s Birthday Honour for Services to Business was almost too much to bear.

But if we are to get our daggers close to the heart of the Evil Empire we must all be prepared to make sacrifices. Some of you may die in the struggle ahead, or face lengthy terms of imprisonment, for interpreting literally my instructions to burn, attack and kill our enemies (and if I have said anything of the sort, just remember when you face trial to tell the judge you knew full well I was speaking metaphorically). But be certain that your leader is with you in spirit, even if I am forced to attend a succession of black-tie dinners, society balls and celebrity functions in order to keep up appearances, while you give your lives for the cause.

Brothers, do not despair if you should see a picture of me in the newspaper with yet another supermodel on my arm. Comrades, it is a long and crafty game we must play. Have faith in your leader.