PM Unveils Plan For International Crime Hub

New Zealand is set to become an international crime hub under plans recently announced by Prime Minister John Key.

Mr Key said that early advice indicated making New Zealand a centre for racketeering, money laundering, extortion and murder could create thousands of new jobs.

“The plan is in its infancy,” Key said last night. “We really need to go away and do some more work on the numbers. But there are some fairly compelling arguments in favour of this plan.”

Key cited the examples of Zimbabwe, Iraq and Chechnya. “The Mugabe regime in particular has done some outstanding work in this area. The infrastructure of intimidation and corruption they established has turned Zimbabwe into an impressively criminal hellhole.”

The Prime Minister said the potential benefits to New Zealand were enormous.

“Giving gangs and assorted ratbags free licence to extort, murder, intimidate and steal will be good for the economy.

“Attracting the most notorious scumbags on the planet to our shores will boost tourism. And cashed-up mobsters will be looking for somewhere to dump their ill-gotten gains. This could well be the capital injection our banking and financing sector has been crying out for.”

Key said the plan would create new jobs.

“Corrupt cops will spend their time in cafes eating, and smoking like chimneys, rather than apprehending criminals. They’ll be paid to look the other way while the crims go about their business. This will boost the hospitality sector. And much of the spare cash in police pockets will trickle down into the retail sector. That means more jobs.

“Suppliers of dumpsters and violin cases will also be looking to hire more staff to cope with demand for their products.”

Revenue Minister Peter Dunne said some changes may need to be made to the tax system to accommodate the plan.

“We may need to tweak the system here and there,” said Mr Dunne. “For example, I expect we would see a massive increase in tax evasion. So to compensate, we would need to give IRD officials the power to impose on-the-spot taxes, like a ‘look the other way’ tax, or a ‘we won’t audit you this year’ levy. Officials will probably end up pocketing most of the money, but that money goes back into the economy, so we’re all winners.”

Experts have welcomed the plan.

Financial planner and former Bridgecorp director Bugsy Sloane said he backed the move to make New Zealand an outpost of wretched villainy. “This plan will be very good for business,” he said.

Sloane’s co-director, Joey “The Knife” Giamante, agreed. “Bada bing,” he said.

It is not known how proponents of tougher law and order measures will react to the announcement. The spokesperson for the Sensible Sentencing Trust was unavailable for comment last night, after falling ill. Garth McVicar is in hospital after complaining of stabbing pains in his chest and difficulty with breathing. Mr McVicar’s family said he fell ill shortly after hearing the Prime Minister’s speech.

The Prime Minister said that the criminal hub plan will now go before a special “pow-wow” for review. If the plan goes ahead legislation may be introduced in the middle of the night under urgency next week.

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