Joyce Announces Zero-Alcohol Policy For Legislators

The Government yesterday announced plans for a zero-alcohol policy for legislators.

Transport Minister Steven Joyce made the announcement at a press conference yesterday.

He said that the Government was committed to safer legislation, and would introducing a bill into parliament in the next fortnight to introduce the zero-alcohol limit.

“These new rules will affect everyone who gets behind the wheel of a bill,” said Mr Joyce.

“We have had a huge problem in this country with legislation being driven carelessly and at great cost to others. Take the example of the proposed three-strikes law. Almost everyone who has looked at the bill has panned it. Clearly the people who drafted it and are now driving it through parliament have been stinking drunk the whole time.

“And the drivers behind National Standards must have been almost on the floor rolling in their own vomit when they came up with the policy.”

Green Party Russel Norman said his party would support the bill.

“The Emissions Trading law put together by National has always had the whiff of something toxic about it. At first I thought it was the stench of crony capitalism, but it turned out to be hard liquor.

“It’s obvious to me that the people who came up with the emissions law were completely shit-faced.”

But last night the ACT Party promised to vigorously oppose the bill.

“Our entire election manifesto was developed while we were smashed,” said ACT Party leader Rodney Hide.

“This is about the rights of decent law-abiding citizens to have too much to drink, form a crackpot political party, and then spout nonsensical gibberish about the market.”

Mr Joyce said that the zero-alcohol limit would probably not become law until after the next election.

“We may all be teetering in a place between sobriety and rat-faced drunkenness, but we’re not completely stupid.”

Update: Transport Minister Steven Joyce is expected to shortly announce new give way-rules for legislation. It is expected that sharp right turns will become mandatory.