I am the world’s greatest blogger. I don’t mean to boast, but it’s a fact. And when you’re on top of the heap you don’t waste time with the small-fry. That’s why in my latest post I’ve decided to destroy John Key and his reputation. This could possibly be the most important thing you will read until my next post.
John Key was in the Sunday Star Times yesterday answering questions from various celebrities and readers.
It is typical of the man who now leads our country that we failed to get more than a glimpse of the real John Key. The responses were carefully scripted, and allowed Key to deal with some tough questions by way of platitudes and generalisations.
So I decided to get to work, and I secured my own interview with the man. You can imagine how excited he would have been to learn that I, the world’s greatest blogger, wanted an audience with him. During the course of that powerful interview I learned some things about our Prime Minister that disturbed me. I asked some of the most hard-hitting questions the man had ever heard, and the ugly truth came pouring out like the crap from a leaky septic tank.
My first question was like a flame torch applied to his nether regions. My aim was to throw Key off balance right from the start, and to then start tearing into him until the man was a carcass. It worked, and we soon began to see the real John Key – in all its falseness and deviousness.
Imperator Fish: Is it fun being the PM?
John Key: Mostly, although the hours are long.
The “mostly” was telling. Surely if the man in charge of our country can’t summon up enough enthusiasm to enjoy his job all of the time, then he’s not fit to be in command. Here was the first sign that I was dealing with a mediocrity whose only desire was to cling to power, though he had nothing to offer the nation.
IF: So just how awful are Labour?
JK: I prefer not to use the term “awful”. That’s for others to judge. But I certainly don’t think they have the right policies for this country.
A simple question, you would have thought, but Slippery John managed to deflect in his usual way by insisting it was someone else’s job to answer the question. I was seeing clear evidence of a lack of accountability.
IF: What is your favourite colour?
JK: That would have to be blue, of course.
Key may aspire to be a tyrant, but a weak one is all he will ever be. Blue is a soft colour, beloved by timid folk. Everyone knows that red is the traditional colour of strength.
IF: Just how awesome are you?
JK: Well… I’m not sure I’d say that. I have my faults, just like anyone else. But I always do my best.
Only a few questions into the interview, and he was already badly contradicting himself. He had already shown he lacked the passion for the job. So how could he then claim to be doing his best all of the time? I had exposed him as a liar and a fraud.
IF: Are you the greatest Prime Minister we have ever had?
JK: Good grief, I mean… I’ve only been in the job 18 months. A lot of very fine people have been before me.
He could have just said “no”, but then he would have had to explain later why he built the hundred foot golden statue of himself on the site of the Tank Farm. You think he won’t? If so, you’re deluding yourself.
IF: Do you like animals?
JK: Oh yes. Especially dogs. We have a few pets at home, but I’ve always liked dogs.
So Key admitted to having animal favourites. Most people would avoid any admission of bias when dealing with animal issues, but Key happily admitted to a dog preference. One might wonder how he can sit in Cabinet and listen to animal welfare issues being discussed, without favouring one species over another. Has he declared a conflict of interest on this matter? Of course not. This is an astonishing lapse in ethical standards.
IF: How do you deal with criticism from the tired, irrelevant Labour Party, whose past failings are so colossal that it beggars belief anyone would ever vote for them, let alone join their ranks?
JK: Are you sure David Farrar didn’t send you?
That was a telling admission that Key is used to being visited by David Farrar, the evil mastermind behind Kiwiblog, and who is due to appear as the villain in the next Bond film. Are darker powers leaning on Key? What is their agenda?
IF: What is the secret behind your genius?
JK: I’m no genius. I work hard, but I have a great team working with me.
Here he admitted to being a fool. A fool who relies on others to pull his arse out of the fire. Damning.
IF: When did you discover you were just like Jesus?
JK: Is this a wind-up? Am I being filmed? I’ve never thought I was like Jesus. What an outrageous thing to say!
See how tetchy he got when I revealed his Messiah complex to the world?
IF: Are you the world’s greatest lover?
JK: I’m a married man, in a committed relationship, and I’m not about to share any bedroom secrets with someone I don’t even know. Just who exactly are you? These questions are getting weirder by the minute.
So the PM admitted he had secrets to hide: dark dirty shameful ones. When you rule a democratic country you must be open and transparent. What is Key hiding? Would you trust him?
IF: Can I touch you?
JK: Ah… I’d rather you didn’t. My security people get nervous about such things.
Thus he sets himself up like a king, so that none may touch his holy person. It’s probably just a matter of time before he demands all interviewers prostrate themselves before him. Such arrogance!
IF: What is the secret to your winning smile?
JK: Winning? I don’t know about that. Look, I think most New Zealanders don’t care who has the best smile. They’re more interested in the policies this Government has introduced to reward decent hard-working families, so that everyone can get ahead.
My, how he changed the subject quickly. He obviously sensed I was onto something.
IF: When you die, do you think they’ll deify you?
JK: What, you mean make me a god? Are you seriously asking me that? Of course they won’t. That’s probably the stupidest question I’ve ever heard.
Methinks he protesteth too much. This revealed Key for what he really is – a megalomaniac with a god complex. Beware, New Zealand, beware!
IF: I think you’re amazing and I want you badly. Do you sleep with other men?
JK: No I most certainly do not!
There was anger in that response. The very thought of enjoying a loving relationship with another man filled him with hate. So he proved himself to be a homophobe of the worst kind.
I left my most brutal question to the very end, because I knew it would bring the interview to an end, but I wanted him to know he’d been through an ordeal of fire, and that I had his measure
IF: I have to go now. Have you got the time? I have a bus to catch.
JK: Ten past five.
Well, Mr Key, your time is up too. As I left the interview I could see Key turning to his minders and henchmen with raised eyebrows. Then he began to shake his head. Clear signs that he knew the game was up.
Expect an announcement on Key’s future in the next day or so. And remember who destroyed him. Only the greatest blogger in the world.
I’ve been told I should run for PM. The top job will be vacant soon. But the country’s just too small for me.