Next Target The Bottlewasher

A telling blow was struck today in the War on Terror, as terrorist mastermind Ibrahim al Qosi was sentenced to 14 years’ prison.

US authorities say the sentence is a crippling blow to al Qaada’s infrastructure. Qosi was Osama bin Laden’s cook, and his arrest eight years ago led to a crisis within the terrorist organisation.

Intelligence sources have suggested bin Laden was prepared to do a deal with the US, but on the condition Qosi was returned to him. They point to a 2003 video that appears to show bin Laden holding an AK47, while reading the following passage:

The Americans and their infidels allies come here in great numbers but will surely by the grace of Allah return in wooden boxes. For, although our successes have been spectacular, we crave those tasty treats we used to get by the fireside. Praise Allah that our will to resist remains strong, even if I would kill my own people for just one more of those yummy lamb kebabs Qosi would whip up while we were out the back practising our shootings and beheadings. I swear to you by Allah that I could do with some decent hummus, just the way dear Qosi used to make it, because the stuff they send up to me in this cave is pretty foul. Listen to what I say, people of America! Hand over Qosi now, or you will regret it. Please. Let’s be reasonable about this.

There is speculation Qosi’s guilty plea, for conspiring with al Qaeda and providing material support for terrorism, came in return for a sentence deal, and that he may be released soon. He has already served eight years in prison.

Authorities have admitted Qosi has given then valuable information about bin Laden’s eating habits. It is believed information about his favourite dressings and condiments will be invaluable in the hunt for the terrorist leader.

US President Barack Obama said at a press conference today that the sentence handed down to Qosi showed al Qaada was in trouble.

“We’ve got bin Laden’s cook, and we’ve also got his videographer. We remain confident that we will soon apprehend the junior assistant to the man who organises the donkeys.

“The people who make bin Laden’s footwear are under investigation, and we are looking at taking action against the wool and cotton growers who produced the raw material for the fabrics he wears.

“We’ve got bin Laden on the run.”

But when asked by journalists whether authorities were any closer to apprehending the people who originally armed and trained al Qaada and other militant groups in Afghanistan, Obama said: “We know who those people are, but…ahem… we won’t be taking action against them at this time.”