Uncle Ernie: Young Mr Key

Let’s hear it for our wonderful Prime Minister!

Bernie Ecclestone is right. If we have learned one thing from the Hobbit debacle it is that democracy is the enemy of good government. When you consider how close we were to losing the Hobbit films, the unavoidable conclusion is that John Key should have been put in charge from the beginning. In charge of the whole shooting match.

Mind you, I don’t even watch movies, because they just don’t make them like they used to, and nowadays they’re full of young people carrying on like goats on heat. And the TV has gone downhill too, since that Paul Henry fellow was taken off air. Now he was good to watch, although he was a bit racist for my liking. If there’s one thing I can’t abide it’s a racist. Oh, and a Chinaman.

But we need a film industry, because it provides jobs for all those otherwise useless unemployable creative types. So I’m pleased to see our young Mr Key rising to the occasion and acting decisively. He is pushing urgent legislation through Parliament today to rewrite employment laws, without any consultation or mandate from the public. That’s how all great leaders operate. Consultation and debate are for wet hand-wringing liberals. Parliament is just a formality, an unnecessary institution that slows down progress, and prevents the necessary work of government from being done.

Think of the hip operations that could be performed if we just put Key in control of everything. No MPs salaries or parliamentary staff wages to pay. Why we always break government expenditure down into numbers of hip operations has always been a mystery to me. Not that I’ve got anything against hips. I’ve had both of mine replaced, you know. So if there was a hip party I’d give them my vote. They’re splendid things, and the human race would be a sadder species if we had to make do without hips. That’s why these socialists want to spend my money on bureaucracy and waste, rather than fixing hips. Hips make people happy. Now why would those miserable moaning lefties want people to be happy? Next they’ll be after our sternums. Well I say enough is enough! You can have my dicky knees, but you’re not having my sternum. Maybe bodysnatching is how they do things in Russia, but in this country we ask first before we take someone else’s body parts.

And while we’re at it, what are the unions all about? What has union agitation ever done for the average worker? The minimum wage, annual and sick leave entitlements, reasonable pay and conditions for workers, proper lunch and tea breaks for most workers, protection from unjustified dismissal, and labour laws that protect employees from being exploited. So apart from all of those things, nothing. Nothing at all!

Our gallant Prime Minister rode into battle on our behalf to rescue the Hobbit films from being lost offshore, all because of union interference. An Australian union. It’s bad enough that they won’t take our apples. What’s wrong with our bloody apples anyway? It’s not as if the Aussie ones are much chop. Those Australians have some cheek coming over here, I tell you. I’ve never forgiven the Australians for what Greg Chappell did to us in ’81. We should have declared war on the spot. But it’s what you’d expect from a nation descended from thieving criminals.

I’m not even a fan of the rubbish Mr Tolkien wrote. I tried to read that book about the ring, but he just doesn’t have the literary skill of say a Dan Brown or a Wilbur Smith. And the ending of the book defied all belief. If I’d had one of those fancy rings I wouldn’t have just thrown it away into a volcano. It must have been worth a bit of money to that Sauron fellow, so why didn’t they sell it to him? Do you know they even have one of those internets now where you can buy and sell things? Couldn’t they have sold it to the highest bidder on one of those?

Mind you, they would need electricity to run a computer, wouldn’t they? That would be a problem for those characters in the book, since they don’t even seem to have motor vehicles. But you don’t need electricity to run an old-fashioned typewriter. They were made to keep working, unlike the useless pile of plastic and metal that sits in a corner in my spare room. I’ve said before that typewriters are the way of the future. As for that computer, I’ve had it for a few years now, and I recently tried to contact the manufacturer, because I think the ribbon must need to be replaced. I just can’t get it to work. But it seems Mr Wang has gone out of business. Typical fly-by-nighter!

Even if they had electricity in the ring book, they would probably struggle to afford to pay for it. These power companies seem to take great joy in gouging us older folk, so that they can provide bigger discounts to their corporate clients. Big business has a lot to answer for, and so do all those politicians who keep giving them our money. Look at how much money that American film company is being given by our government, just so it can make a couple of lousy films here.

The politicians just don’t get it, do they? It’s our money, Mr Key! Such is his unseemly haste in stitching up a deal that he’s now rushing through urgent legislation. This is an abuse of democratic process and ought to be stopped. I didn’t have my right testicle shot off by a Chinaman in Korea so that our money-trading leader could give away our sovereignty.

Shame on you, Mr Key, shame on you!