Dear Sirs,

I read in the newspaper that you chaps are encouraging citizens to dob in people who may be involved in the spread or acquisition of weapons of mass destruction.

I must say it was a relief to learn that I would finally have someone to express my concerns to. I’ve been very worried for a while about the activities of one of my neighbours.

This fellow comes and goes at all hours, revving the engine of his noisy car, tooting his horn and playing a lot of foreign music very loudly. My daughter calls it hippity hop or something like that.

This chap also looks menacing, and I’m sure he’s up to no good. There’s bound to be something in your research that proves a link between tattoos and terrorism.

If it wasn’t for the couple living on the other side of me I think I’d be forced to move. I’m not one for foreigners normally, but I’ve really taken to Yusuf and his lovely wife, Amineh. Yusuf’s always popping over to say hello and to ask how I am, and he’s quite a DIY man too.

Yusuf has started to build this quite impressive structure in the back yard of his house, which he says he is going to use for storing heavy water. I don’t blame him for wanting to collect his own water. You should see the water rates bills we get around here.

His wife’s always inviting me over to watch a movie with them. Last night we watched this cracking story about a bearded chap in the mountains somewhere. A bit of it was in that foreign mumbo jumbo they talk between themselves, but it was one of the better war films I’ve seen for a while, and some of the battle scenes looked almost real. I thought the scene where one of the bad guys gets his head cut off was a bit excessive, though.

Amineh spends most of her time looking after the little ones. They seem to have a whole tribe of the little buggers, as foreigners do. But she also earns a bit of spare cash handing out pamphlets in the town square. I usually try to avoid taking flyers from people you see standing on street corners, because they’re always just advertising for some restaurant or nightclub that I have no intention of going to. Still, she’s a lovely girl, so when I was in town the other day I took one of her flyers. “Global Jihad Now” it said. That must be one of those new Indian restaurants springing up everywhere. I can’t eat that sort of food, because it upsets my tummy.

Yusuf has set up a local community group too. I think it’s a bit like Rotary for foreigners. Every week a bunch of odd-looking chaps turn up at his house and they talk in their funny language about various community projects. Apparently they’re raising funds to buy a white panel van in time for the Rugby World Cup. Yusuf says he plans to target tourists. That’s a good idea, because a lot of them will need transportation. I think Yusuf’s van will be a big hit.

Meanwhile the layabout on the other side of me can’t even be bothered to mow his lawns. The grass is growing so high it’s almost up to my waist. Maybe he’s got something to hide. I expect that if you were planning on terrorising people the long grass would be a good place to store your cache of weapons, bombs and whatnot.

He should take a lesson from Yusuf. You should see how impeccably tidy his section is. And his garage, where he does most of his work, is like a laboratory. Everything has its place and you can see the great pride Yusuf takes in keeping it tidy. Yusuf is a chemist, apparently, and he spends his days in his garage mixing various chemicals together. The garage is filled with industrial sized chemical bottles. I asked him if what he was doing was safe, and he laughed and said “safe for whom?” He can be quite a card, that Yusuf.

I’m not absolutely certain that my other neighbour is a terrorist, but it stands to reason that someone with so little respect for his neighbours is only a few steps away from turning into a full-blown mass murderer. I’m sure you’ll know what to do with the information I’ve given you. I know you have all sorts of little bugs and satellites you can deploy to find out what he’s up to, and what’s really hiding in that long grass.

But please act now. He was playing that loud music at 3am this morning. The man’s a monster.

Yours sincerely

Ernie