Award-winning columnist and Riesling revolutionary Bob Mittsky has returned after a long overseas trip.
You have probably been wondering what became of me. I was in Britain, on a fact-finding mission to study the way other parties of the left have responded to the challenges faced by rampant capitalism.
I was lucky to be able to meet a lot of top people from parties of the left, both past and present. Perhaps the highlight of my trip was meeting the leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg. Under his genius stewardship the Lib Dems have entered into a coalition with the hated Conservatives, and it will surely result in the annihilation of most of his party at the next election. This act of stunning vision will purge the party of all its bourgeoisie hangers on and trendy well-to-do supporters, and will force them to look instead at adopting radical Maoist solutions to tackle the UK’s major problems. At least that is my hope.
I also met Tony Blair, who finally broke the Tory stranglehold on power in the UK in 1997. Blair was and is a visionary, who taught me a valuable lesson that it’s okay to lie outrageously and deceive the public so long as you know you’re right. Even if you’re wrong.
But I was following events back in New Zealand during my travels, and during my three week stay at David Richwhite’s Swiss Alps chalet, and what I read in the newspapers and online left me cold. That is when I realised I was needed back in New Zealand, and so I cancelled the wine tour through the south of France and flew straight home on my private jet.
I realised it was time to do some cleaning.
All too often we focus our rage at those in the public eye. Like the unscrupulous industrialists and money men who run ACT, or our government MPs who continue to sell the workers down the river.
But the real enemy is much closer than we think. Forget the Brashes and the Keys. At least they are in plain sight. Let us instead expend all our energies on stamping out the enemies from within our own ranks.
To assist my followers I have compiled a list of the most notorious class traitors. These are the people most in need of re-education.
Hone Harawira. Harawira has made a great play for wanting to create a potent force for the left, but such a force already exists. It’s called the Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa. I should know, as its Chairman. Now why do you think Harawira made no effort at all to work with us, and to put himself under my leadership? It’s not that I seek power, comrades. Far from it. If I had my way all authority would be devolved to a series of collectives who would adopt models of revolutionary democracy to reach consensus on critical issues, after first having their critical revolutionary resolutions vetted by head office. Unfortunately, despite considerable advances, the members of my organisation lack sufficient class consciousness and must remain under my watchful guidance.
So I would have been prepared to mentor and guide Harawira, and all I would have asked for in return is his unquestioning obedience in all matters.
Thus, if Harawira will not join our leftist alliance then he must be regarded as an enemy. We must have solidarity under a common cause and a common leader (myself, reluctantly), and anyone who opposes this purpose is an enemy of the people.
John Minto. Minto has been the public face of protest in this country for many years. His masterful manipulation of the media displays all the characteristics of a man who understands the system well. Minto is the go-to man when the media wants a comment or quote from the far left, but if he truly cared about revolutionary struggle he would be urging the media to call me instead. I have years of training in Marxist dialectics, and have studied under the finest North Korean revolutionaries. What has Minto achieved?
To top it all off. Harawira now wants Minto in his party. More evidence that both have been captured by the rightists. Traitor!
Sue Bradford. As bad as Minto, and another reason why the special media hotline installed in my office fails to ring. Bradford and Minto have taken the easy option, by actually professing openly what they believe. How naive.
I would love to swan about in front of the camera, waving a placard and shaking my fists, denouncing the evil capitalist system, but the struggle requires more than that, and our tactics must be more subtle.
Even if I approved of such simplistic tactics, where would I find the time? My role as Party Chairman is a demanding one and keeps me busy almost every waking hour. My life is an endless succession of cocktail functions and golf club dinners, following by three-in-a-bed romps with call girls and bags of cocaine that would put Charlie Sheen to shame. That’s just what you have to do when you’re trying to undermine the system from within.
I remain hopeful that this masterplan will bear fruit after I have won the ACT Party selection for Epsom, although our party’s revolutionary plan is a long-term one and may require a generation or two of suffering under the yoke of ACT Party discipline before we are in a position to strike.
Which is why I have so publicly endorsed Dr Brash as leader, despite his being a class enemy of the highest order.
Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury. A TV, radio and internet personality who claims to be of the radical left, but who has so far failed to mention my party’s revolutionary struggle in any of his media appearances. Nor has he asked me to censor his shows or writings for incorrect thoughts. His efforts have contributed to the public’s general distaste for all things ACT, even though for us to destroy the hated capitalists we must first encourage them. That is why I continue to issue press releases praising deregulation and advocating the slashing of welfare and public services.
A terrible rightist who must be stopped!
Russell Brown. Brown runs a popular blogsite that discourages confrontation, denouncement and class war. If that isn’t bad enough, he recently failed to show class solidarity, when he questioned some of the tactics adopted by the left during the recent heroic revolutionary struggle against the arch-capitalist Peter Jackson.
A Trotskyite of the worst kind!
Helen Kelly. The CTU President was particularly vocal during the recent heroic revolutionary struggle against the arch-capitalist Peter Jackson. This was in direct contravention of my orders. The Workers Solidarity Party of Aotearoa has invested heavily in a number of Hollywood film studios, using a series of blind trusts and offshore entities registered in various tax havens. Kelly’s actions threatened to damage our investment. Let us not forget that this investment is for the good of the revolutionary struggle, and that all of the profits milked from the hated capitalists (after a modest deduction to cover all of my living expenses) go back to the workers.
A true class traitor!
So, comrades, don’t waste your time denouncing this government or its supporters on the right. That is just what these class enemies want you to do. Don’t play their game!