The NZ Herald reports on the strict protocol one must adhere to if they wish to address the Maori King.

It suddenly occurred to me that some of you may not be prepared for a chance encounter with me. So I have drawn up a short list to assist you should you find yourself in my presence.

Dress code: Remember that I am extremely vain, and also highly sensitive about matters of fashion. It is essential that I not be shown up by someone better dressed than myself. So if you wish to avoid my displeasure you should dress modestly, preferably in rags and sack-cloths. The more down at heel you look the better I will feel about my own exulted position. You must remember at all times that your only concern is for my welfare. Let than be your guiding mantra.

Poise: Humility is essential when you are in my presence. Your body language tells me a lot about you. Your approach towards must be slow, and you must come to me unnoticed so as not to disturb my train of thought. I recommend that you crawl carefully on your hands and knees towards me, until you are no closer than five metres away. Then stand, bow, and then fall to your knees. Keep your head bowed at all times, and do not let me see your eyes. It is a direct challenge to me for you to look at my face.

Conversation: Say nothing until you are invited by me to speak. Keep your conversation to a minimum and do not stray from the topic at hand. I tire quickly, and am easily bored, so keep it quick. Do not talk loudly, but do not mumble. I am likely to fly into an uncontrollable rage if required to ask you to repeat yourself because you weren’t clear enough the first time around. Remember at all times that if I did not understand something you have said, it is your fault.

Titles: When you first speak to me it is customary to begin with the standard ceremonial greeting: “Oh Mighty Tower of Imperial Majesty, the Eminence of Which Shines Forth Upon the World like a Radiant Sun!”. But I do not insist on such fancy formalities throughout every conversation, and after that initial greeting I will be content with being referred to as “The Holiness”. Remember never to refer to me using a personal pronoun, as this is a direct insult to my majesty.

Gifts: It is an insult not to give me a gift. I will be enraged if I discover you have been a cheapskate, so no Warehouse vouchers please. If in doubt money is always a safe gift.

So I hope that is all perfectly clear. I didn’t want to make a big deal of this, but protocol is important.

I will have to update my comments policy next.