Saturday’s Forecast: Cloudy, Followed By Periods Of Rapture

Some people in the US are saying that the Rapture will commence on 21 May.

They are also saying the survivors will suffer through 153 days of torment.

In hindsight I might have skipped the dentist this week if I’d thought it through, because I suspect when we’re swept up and put before Him for judgment, the fact that I now have shining teeth probably won’t help my cause. Particularly when the other people who have shining teeth are mostly real estate agents.

But isn’t it typical that He chooses a Saturday to doom us all? He couldn’t do it during the working week, when we’re all stuck in our offices. Some days I’m so busy at my desk I wouldn’t notice if outside the sky went red with fire. Now it looks as if my Saturday morning will be ruined. At least it should be warm.

And why hasn’t someone told poor Bill English? All that hard work he’s put into the Budget will be out the window. If English thinks the Christchurch earthquake put a big hole in the books, wait till he sees what the Apocalypse is going to do to the nation’s balance sheet.

I personally can’t abide the sound of people screaming as the fires of heavenly justice cleanse the land, and such frank displays of emotion leave me uncomfortable. So if you are one of those about to be obliterated on Saturday please have the decency not to make a big song and dance about it.

And for those of you who grimly hang on after the initial onslaught, I hope it is some comfort to you that  Gerry Brownlee will be given emergency powers to deal with the situation. In fact, he’ll probably be the only politician left alive. I have a feeling the thick layers of blubber will shield him from the worst of the horrors.

But my advice is not to get to stressed. You’re doomed, and there’s little to be done about it. Did you think He wasn’t going to punish you for the gratuitous way in which you waste paper clips? The only creatures likely to survive the fiery cleansing of the earth are the cockroaches. And finance company bosses. So you’ll probably be grateful you’re dead.