Plans For A Shinier Christchurch Slammed

A prominent lobby group has slammed the Labour Party’s new Christchurch package.

Labour announced its plan for the city yesterday. Under the plan Labour will buy up and sell at cost up to 1500 sections, and compensate homeowners in red zones for the value of their improvements.

Labour is also promising to intervene in the insurance market, if private insurers do not get their act together.

But the Federation Against Shiny Things (FAST) has slammed the policy, claiming it is inappropriate and discriminatory and will lead to a shinier Christchurch.

The Federation’s President Sir Nigel Squeers said his organisation was opposed to the rebuild of Christchurch.

“Our membership is firmly against any move by any government to rebuild demolished or damaged buildings,” said Sir Nigel.

“The current, broken city is a mess of bricks and dirt, and is a real pleasure to visit. But if Labour is elected and reconstruction is sped up, there will be an influx of shiny things into the city.

“There is nothing worse that the bright sheen of a newly constructed house. Or the way in which the morning sun glistens off brand new glass.”

Sir Nigel is a prominent rich-lister who made his fortune during the fantasy role-playing boom of the early 2000s. In recent years he has become well-known for his philanthropy, and last year he donated over a million dollars towards the building of a rehabilitation unit for disgraced accountants with spinal injuries.

FAST, which Sir Nigel heads, was established to advocate for those affected by excessive shininess. Studies conducted by the tobacco industry estimate that one in three people are adversely affected by shiny things. The studies show that excessive exposure to shininess can lead to nausea and vomiting, and that one in a hundred people exposed will suffer massive organ failure and will eventually explode.

Prime Minister John Key also denounced Labour’s policy during his post-cabinet press conference.

“Our insurance company friends won’t like this one bit,” said Mr Key. “They’re against all forms of shininess, other than in their corporate offices.”

But Labour leader Phil Goff hit back at criticism of the policy.

Unfortunately there was a rugby game on, so nobody knows what he said.