Blog Cheating: Part One, Book One, Chapter One

(Because I’m on holiday and am too lazy to blog properly, I may for a while be content just to repost some of the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. Bad luck, old chap)

John Key: Lover, Art Collector, Kitten Strangler

5 February 2011

If you fancy a man who drowns kittens and gets in the mood by wearing Nazi regalia, then John Key may just be the one for you.

But if you think that’s hot, he is also cultured. Key is an antiquities buff and has a stunning collection of treasures originally looted from Iraqi museums during the fall of Saddam Hussein’s regime.

The nation’s favourite politician made these revelations during an interview with Radio Sport’s Tony Veitch on Friday.

The pair started the interview by laughing about the demands of political office, with Key joking that being prime minister was hard, but nothing like the backbreaking job Veitch had to do.

Veitch then asked Key what he did to “get in the mood.”

Mr Key said: “strangling a batch of cute little kittens does it for me every time. Not newborn ones, because they’re kind of ugly, but kittens that are at that six-week-old cutesy stage.”

The Prime Minister then revealed his penchant for dressing up.

“Anything German World War Two era, particularly if it’s black. If you want to impress the ladies, you can’t go wrong with a Waffen SS outfit.”

Mr Key said his biggest turn-on was the power that money gave him. He revealed that his Parnell home has rooms filled with hundred dollar notes, just so he can roll in them, and that he has thousands of stolen antiquities crammed in his basement.

He also admitted that his undergarments were made from stitched banknotes.

“When you feel that money pressing against your manhood, you know that nobody can stop you from doing anything you want. Democracy, ha!”

Key’s interview has been slammed by Green MP Sue Kedgley.

“What a terrible, despicable monster!” she exclaimed in horror, before running away screaming.

Labour leader Phil Goff was quick to release his own list of dirty deeds, just hours after the Key interview.

The release, entitled “I’m a Bad Boy Too” claims that Goff has had at least three parking tickets over the last two years, and that he “gets in the mood” by watching action movies and drinking a bottle New Zealand sauvignon blanc.

“I haven’t strangled any animals,” said Mr Goff.

“But I sure as heck get mad sometimes. Like when I’m on my motorbike and the wind is rushing through my hair, and then I discover that there’s a snarl-up on the motorway and the traffic’s really slow.

“And you should see me in a uniform. I’ve ordered a bunch of them online this afternoon.  Along with some cats and some antique vases.

“I am bad to the bone.”

Prominent blogger and society columnist Hilda Von Tempsky said that Key was a breath of fresh air, when compared with the leaders of the past.

“The man has a way of pulling it off the way the others just couldn’t. When he puts on that SS uniform and starts goose-stepping you can bet he’ll be all goofy and likeable.

“Prime Minister Key’s great strength is that he’s down to earth, unlike his predecessor in the role. I don’t think Helen Clark strangled a single kitten during her nine years in office, and I think she suffered for it.”