Never let anyone say I’m only interested in helping out journos who report fluff entertainment news.

I’m also here to give those hardboiled crime reporters a helping hand. It can’t be easy having to ring up grieving families in order to get a scoop, so hopefully I can make your job of forcing them to relive their terrible trauma just a little bit easier.

I have prepared below a template for you to use in at least half of all the crime stories you write. All you need to do is fill in the gaps!

The [mother/father] of [one of] the victim[s] of a notorious [murderer/rapist/sex offender] has slammed the corrections system, after the Parole Board’s decision to release the man back into the community.

[name of bad person] was sentenced to [insert number] years’ imprisonment in [year] after [recite gruesome details of his crimes. Yes, his. It’s always a man]. [surname of bad dude] was released from prison last week after serving [number] years of his sentence.

At the hearing the board noted that [name] [list all the various mitigating factors. e.g. no threat to the community, remorseful, made good progress, found Jesus, good family support, previously blameless life, etc etc..]

But relatives of [name]‘s victim[s] told the board that [reiterate that he a bad bad man]

In making its decision the board acknowledged [mention his risk of reoffending, acknowledging seriousness of what he did etc.], but noted [insert here some more shit justifying the release].

[name of victim’s parent], the [mother/father] of [victim’s name], has blasted the Parole Board’s decision.

“[bad man, destroyed family, is monster, let down by system, evil etc etc]“, [name] said.

“No family should ever have to endure what we’ve had to go through”, said [name].

The Sensible Sentencing Trust has also attacked the board’s decision.

“[Parole board out of touch with reality, symptomatic of wider failings of justice system, no respect for the law, wet bus ticket, PC lunacy, liberal do-gooders, outraged, some people can’t be rehabilitated, pure evil, life should mean life, clever lawyers manipulating the system for their clients, enough is enough, I speak to the parents of the victims all the time, this isn’t justice, moral decay, we can’t go on like this, scumbags, an insult to victims, this man has never shown an ounce of remorse for what he did, it’s a bad joke, personal responsibility, where’s the justice?]“, said the group’s spokesperson Garth McVicar.