Same-Sex Marriage Bill Threat To Civilisation

Authorities and financial institutions are preparing for trouble, after a bill seeking to legalise same-sex marriage was drawn from Parliament’s Members Bill Ballot.

Early indications that the bill will have sufficient support to pass into law have led to panic on the financial markets, as financial institutions anticipate a flood of people trying desperately to close their bank accounts or cash in their investments.

The price of an ounce of gold has already risen by 20%, as investors look for safe places to put their money.

This panic is being fuelled by the certainty that making it legal for some people who love each other to get married will result in the downfall of civilisation, as people who are already engaging in homosexual activity continue to do so.

Even more worrying to authorities is the certainty that allowing gay people to have the same rights as heterosexual people will open the floodgates to demands by others determined to marry.

The government has contingency plans under way to deal with any potential trouble, in case the loosening of marriage laws encourages people to abandon all morality and self-restraint and attempt to form marital relationships with everyone and everything within their line of sight, including their siblings, family pets, the dead, trees, and letterboxes.

The possibility that motorists will attempt to marry their vehicles as soon as they hear news that the bill has passed into law, has traffic authorities deeply concerned about potential gridlock on key arterial routes.

The police have commenced training of a dedicated unit to deal with the likelihood of large groups spontaneously forming and demanding to enter into three-way or five-way marriages with their children or pet hamsters.

Civil Defence are recommending that people check their disaster survival kits, as the downfall of civilisation is likely to be preceded by power outages and interruptions to some essential services.

Experts are also concerned that the passing of legislation giving people in long-term loving relationships equal rights to heterosexual couples, will cause tremendous damage to those who make your business their business.

“We should not underestimate the potential psychological harm to someone who thinks it is of critical importance to determine who you can marry,” said clinical psychologist Dr Marian Werbliech.

“These subjects are likely to become confused and distressed if their prejudices are questioned. This confusion typically manifests itself in a denunciation by the sufferer of all forms of social engineering, which at its essence is an expression of profound self-doubt, since our current marriage laws are the very epitome of social engineering.
“This debilitating condition typically renders the sufferer unable to form rational conversations around certain trigger subjects, such as gay marriage.”
Church groups have also denounced the gay marriage bill, arguing that the Bible defines marriage as being between a man and a woman.

The Bible also requires the stoning to death of any woman who is found not to be a virgin on her wedding night, but it remains unclear whether church groups will use this occasion to also advocate the killing of non-virgins, as their Bible requires them to.

Update: A leaked memo purporting to be from the lobby group SHAG (Sinister Homosexual Agenda Group) appears to confirm that the gay movement’s plans go well beyond securing same-sex marriage rights. 

The memo reveals plans for homosexuality to become mandatory in our secondary schools, an all-gay navy and police force, marriage with family pets to be legalised, and the national anthem God Defend New Zealand to be replaced with an Abba medley.

A spokesperson from SHAG was unavailable for comment, due to all of the organisation’s members being occupied in a mass orgy of such depravity that mere words cannot do justice to the horror.