The iconic Waikato River weaves its way dreamily through this picturesque city of gardens and chlamydia, and visitors often remark that they would almost certainly dive into its waters, were it not for the dairy run-off making the river too polluted for swimming.

Our magnificent town square, Garden Place, easily rivals any of the world’s great central places. While it doesn’t have the history of Venice’s Piazza San Marco or the architectural splendour of Madrid’s Plaza Mayor, Garden Place will leave you spellbound, with just the right balance of grass and concrete, and only a five minute walk from some great shopping. With both a Farmers’ store and a Warehouse, Hamilton’s the place for a bargain.

A lively fast-food scene means there will always be something available to athletes training late and wanting that late night pie or burger fix.

There are a number of 24 hour service stations throughout the city, making Hamilton one of the most convenient spots for officials to get their late night cigarettes.

The city is well-served with a range of public toilet options, or, if you’re about your business and get caught short, try urinating all over the footpath or on the nearest wall. The locals really won’t mind: they’re used to it.

We have some lovely gardens, some statues, and a few bridges.  If you are a nature lover we also have a range of trees. Olympic athletes looking to unwind will enjoy a relaxing walk along the river, while those looking to party won’t be disappointed. Hamilton has some of the best bars and restaurants in the Waikato region, and if you can avoid the pools of urine and vomit on the footpaths, Victoria Street is the place to be on a Saturday night.

The city streets are safer than they have ever been, after a crackdown on alcohol-related stabbings, and we are optimistic that the award to Hamilton of the 2024 Olympics would engender a sense of civic pride and self-worth among our menfolk, and reduce the high levels of violence against local women.

We are ready

The Hamilton 2024 bid is so compelling, because we already have most of the necessary facilities and infrastructure.

• Waikato Stadium already fits 25,000 people. With the some temporary seating we can boost the capacity of the ground to 30,000.
• Hamilton’s warm summer climate means we will not need to build an expensive indoor pool complex. We will just rope off part of Hamilton Lake and clear the weed and algae away.
• Although not a traditional running track, the rugby turf on Waikato stadium has been the venue for some top performances, with speedy wingers enjoying what the ground has to offer. The ground does not usually cut up too much, unless there has been rain or a recent rugby game. Athletes will just need to remember to wear sprigs.
• We have pencil-booked a community hall for the gymnastics, badminton and table tennis.
• There are some public tennis courts available for use, if we can’t arrange access to the courts of one of the local clubs.
• The Waikato region has some of the best fencers in the world, thanks to our lush green pastures and soft soils. We have no shortage of land for fencing!
• We already have an athletes’ games village all but ready to go. We just need to evict the university students from their halls of residence. It will also mean fumigating every room and scrubbing the semen stains from all the mattresses, but it will still be cheaper than building a whole new village.
• Our bus service is quite good. Usually if your bus doesn’t come you just need to wait half an hour for the next one. Or call a taxi.
• We have roads too!

We can’t promise the sort of hype we’ve all seen and heard coming from London, and we don’t have Beijing’s budget, but what we can offer is a more intimate experience for spectators.

We make no secret of the fact that some smaller sports may have to be axed, such as canoeing, cycling, archery, basketball, hockey, weightlifting, pentathlon, triathlon, shooting, handball, wrestling, football, and track and field, but 2024 would be the perfect year to introduce some new sports. This could be the year sheep-shearing finally achieves the international popularity it deserves.

We are a tourism centre

Hamilton is one of New Zealand’s most popular tourist destinations, and is well set up to accommodate visitors. We have over nine hundred motel and hotel beds, and our efforts to stamp out noxious diseases are well advanced.

We love adventure 

Tourists tell us they come to Hamilton because of its reputation as the adventure capital of the lower part of the upper North Island.

Whether it’s avoiding having a broken bottle rubbed into your face, or taking a gamble with catching a sexually-transmitted disease, every kind of daredevil activity is catered for in Hamilton.

We love our sport

Granting Hamilton Olympic hosting rights makes sense, because Hamiltonians love their sport.  Boxing and other fighting disciplines are well catered for in Hamilton, with impromptu fights breaking out every few minutes in the city streets on a Friday or Saturday night.  Street racing is a favourite pastime, as is the sport of throwing bottles as passers-by.

But rugby is the real passion in these parts.  Most Chiefs games are at least half-full, and if we schedule Olympic events in the Waikato Stadium immediately after big rugby matches, we believe a good number of the crowd will stay to watch.

Listen to the people

We know we’re the greatest little city in the Waikato region, and we’re probably somewhere in the top 20 nationwide.

But don’t take our word for it. Here’s what others are saying.

“The Hamilton Information Centre was quite useful.” Jurgen Hoffman, Hamburg, Germany

“Our motel room was comfortable, and the toilets were clean. The gardens are very pretty, and although we stayed only one night and had to leave early in the morning, I would like to have stayed for another hour or so.” Bevan McLean, Leeds, United Kingdom

“It’s a pity the art gallery was closed when we visited, because it looked like it might have been worth a visit.” Maria Derutti, Melbourne, Australia

“Good roads” David Zamburger, Chicago, United States

“I have travelled all around the world, and seen dozens of different cities, and I can honestly say that Hamilton was one of them.” Lee Figwater, Capetown, South Africa

Hamilton will be the only place to be in 2024

Why would you want to be anywhere other than in your seat at the Waikato Stadium as the 2024 Olympics opening ceremony begins, and as Cold Chisel’s Forever Now blasts over the stadium sound system?

We don’t want to spoil the mystery and wonder that is an opening ceremony, but we can confirm that we have already booked the New Zealand Army Band, two bagpipe bands, the cheerleaders, the Feelers, and the hot dog van.

We are ready to party!