Devil to take PM’s soul in convention centre deal

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An artist’s impression of a soulless John Key

John Key will sell his soul to the Devil, in a deal announced with SkyCity and Beelzebub this morning.

Under the terms of the deal, SkyCity will spend approximately $402 million on the construction of a world-class convention centre.

In return, SkyCity will be granted an extra 230 poker machines and 40 more gaming tables, and the King of Hell will take John Key’s soul for eternity.

Economic Development Minister Steven Joyce said the agreement with SkyCity demonstrated that National was committed to growing the economy, boosting the tourism sector, and doing deals with Satan.

“This sort of project is exactly the sort of thing we need to lift New Zealand up the value chain,” Joyce said.

“We get a world-class convention centre out of the deal, and John Key hands his soul to Mephistopheles on a plate.”

SkyCity CEO Nigel Morrison said the deal was a “true definition of a public-private-Prince of Darkness partnership”.

“The sad reality is that convention centres will never pay their own way,” said Morrison. “That’s why we formed a consortium with Lucifer last year.

“We looked at a number of potential business partners, but Satan stood out in terms of the experience, background and industry contacts necessary to make this proposition work.

“And in return all he asked for was the soul of the Prime Minister.”

The final agreement with the Devil will include a poison-soul clause, so that Satan is adequately compensated if John Key attempts to get out of the deal to sell his soul, whether by finding religion or by other means.

Satan could not be contacted for comment, but a spokesperson for The Evil One said that the deal was a good one.

“More gambling means more broken homes, more failed marriages, and more misery”, said Earl Botis, Lucifer’s official spokesperson.

“As if that isn’t enough of a bargain, we get the soul of the Prime Minister. What’s not to like?”

John Key said he was not worried about burning in Hell for eternity.

“Look, I’ve always enjoyed the heat,” said Mr Key, who spends most holidays in Hawaii. “I can be happy anywhere so long as there’s somewhere to swim.”

I have made a couple of minor changes to this post, including the removal of the name of a real-life person, not because I was asked to, but because it was the right thing to do.