Thank you for your support

Dear Mr Lim

We were very pleased to read your column in the New Zealand Herald. You are absolutely right that you have nothing to fear from us. The security services exist to protect the people of New Zealand from all kinds of unsavoury types. These include Islamic terrorists, Maori extremists, cyber-criminals, and copyright infringers.

The one thing all these people have in common is that we don’t like them very much. Trust us, they aren’t the people you would want joining your local Rotary club.

We all understand the potential threat posed by Islamic fundamentalism, and the Boston bombing was a powerful reminder that we must remain vigilant against the risk of a terror attack motivated by hateful and twisted interpretations of the Koran.

Unfortunately, the public has become complacent about other threats to our security. Many of these threats are internal, and the people behind these threats are seldom taken seriously by the public. But we take them seriously. A suicide bomber can take out dozens of innocent people in an instant, but the threat posed to New Zealand’s economic sovereignty by environmentalists and Green Party MPs is no less grave.

If you think I am exaggerating, consider for a moment the dreadful harm a single Green Party MP can cause to a polite and pleasant dinner party. He or she will turn up with a bottle of undrinkable organic wine, refuse to touch the roast meal you spent hours cooking, and then hector your other guests about pollution and sustainability. We have all had an otherwise enjoyable evening utterly ruined in this way.

If one Green Party MP can inflict so much carnage on a single dinner party, imagine what will happen if we allow a group of them to take charge of the entire country.

You wrote: “if you have nothing to hide from the GCSB, then you have nothing to fear”. You are of course right. I am delighted to hear that you are a proponent of unlimited and unrestrained state power. If only we had more friends like you!

We have taken the liberty of bugging your phone, hacking into your email account, and installing cameras in your bedroom and toilet. I know you won’t mind, because we have interpreted your opinion piece as a consent to such activities.

But do not be concerned. Thanks to the good work of the GCSB, and various other shadowy organisations few people have ever heard of, you can rest easy at night knowing that if any extremist group tries to use mind-control to turn you into a copyright terrorist, we will be there to stop them.

Some people will question whether we have the legal power or authority to monitor your every move, with or without your consent, but we have got that angle covered. If you change your mind about our activities and decide to complain, we’ll just deny we did anything wrong and refuse to provide any details to you. You may have nothing to fear from us, but we have every reason to hide everything we do from you.

If you wouldn’t mind we’d also like you to reset all of your Facebook privacy settings, so everyone can see everything you post. If you’re not sure how to do this, just send us your password and we’ll arrange it all for you, so long as you’re not in any hurry. It might take a few weeks for us to sort your Facebook settings out, because the only person around here who understands the privacy settings is our receptionist, and she’s on holiday in Queensland with her boyfriend until next Wednesday.

Once again, thank you for supporting our tireless efforts to protect the people of New Zealand from the people of New Zealand. It’s great to know you’re right behind us, even as we are behind you, in front of you, above you, and all around you. Smile for the camera!

Yours sincerely