I’m not racist. Some of my best friends are brown-skinned. Of course, I won’t go anywhere near their homes, and I certainly won’t eat their stinking food. But they’re good people.

I’m not racist. I was brought up to never see colour. If you point out to me a person with brown skin I won’t turn around and say “hey, look at that person with brown skin!” No sir! What I’ll probably say is “look at that dole-bludging dope-smoking loser! Let’s not get too close, in case he tries to knife us both.” Skin colour doesn’t come into it.

I’m not racist. All I’m doing is poking fun at people. You know, people at the bottom of the heap who have no power and who are already about as dispossessed of hope and prospects as anyone can be. No, I’m not a racist. I’m just a bully.

I’m not racist. Maybe it’s simply a biological fact that black people are inferior. I read it on a website, so it’s a fact. How can facts be racist?

I’m not racist. I have always had a policy of actively recruiting brown people in my business. That’s because they’re the only ones prepared to do the terrible and demeaning jobs I demand of them at minimum wage.

I’m not racist. I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking. If I’m a racist then so are you. You feel exactly the same way that I do about these people, even though you won’t admit it. How could it be otherwise? If it were otherwise that would make me a really hateful person, so it can’t be true.

I’m not racist. It’s an Indian religious symbol!