Imperator Fish Nation: the undying popularity of John Key

By Sam (who does not wish his/her full name to be published)


(Click here for details of how you can contribute a piece to Imperator Fish Nation)
28 June 2013

Dear diary

I am rather chuffed with how things are going. I remain popular and I feel we are on the right track. The economy is definitely picking up and the party is doing well. I must admit I do find some of my cabinet colleagues unnerving at times. I often hear strange noises from Steven’s and Judith’s offices at night.

Still, I can’t complain. They are a loyal bunch and really seem to want me to continue as Prime Minister.
9 December 2014

Dear diary

The election went really well, and we are back in power. I had to do a deal with Winston. Well, actually, Steven did the deal. I walked past the meeting and overheard Winston and Steven laughing manically. Still, I can’t wait for another term as leader of a moderate centre right government. Go us!

3 May 2016

Dear diary

Everything is still going well. The economy and the country are in good shape. Ever since my currency trading days, I have believed that you should quit when you are ahead. I plan to tell my cabinet colleagues about my decision tomorrow. I want to spend more time with my family and, of course, my cat, Moonbeam Smokey Fluffy Key.

4 May 2016

Dear diary

Um… well that did not go as expected. I explained that it was time for me to move on. I said that the party and country are in good shape and that I wanted to focus on my family. My cabinet did not look happy. Gerry went to the door and locked it.

Steven said he appreciated that the job took its toll, but that my family would be best served by me remaining Prime Minister. I asked him what he meant by that. Judith replied that Moonbeam was such a nice cat, and wouldn’t it be terrible if something were to happen.

I left the meeting bewildered and a bit afraid.

7 November 2017

Dear diary

I just won my fourth term. I am becoming increasingly disillusioned with politics, although it was fun watching the Cunliffe/Robertson co-leadership disintegrate during the campaign.

5 May 2019

Dear diary

I don’t even bother reading the papers on my desk any more, I just sign them. Steven and Judith don’t let me out of the Beehive much. I miss Moonbeam.

3 October 2020

Dear diary

I crack during one of the election debates. I tell the audience to vote Labour because they are the party that actually cares about New Zealanders. This confuses Cunliffe, and he accuses me of lying and tells the audience that everything I say is absolute rubbish. We win the election.

5 July 2022

Dear diary

Steven popped into my office in a chipper mood. This immediately raises my suspicions. He tells me that after my little stunt last election, cabinet have drafted a new law that makes me prime minister for life. I tell him he can’t do that. He tells me he can and will.

Desperate, I call our coalition partners and convince them to vote down the bill. Luckily they agree. Relieved, I call Cunliffe just to make sure the opposition will vote against the bill. I tell him Steven’s plan and urge him to unite the opposition and vote down the bill.

He chuckles and tells me he knows a triple bluff when he sees one. He says he doesn’t believe anything a slimly little weasel like me says and that Labour will vote for the bill. I tell him that doesn’t make any sense. He hangs up.

15 November 2035

Dear diary

This is my last entry. I stand at the top of the Beehive, naked except for a New Zealand flag wrapped around me. It is pouring with rain. I curse the heavens and cry out “Moonbeam!” I just wanted to be a popular centre right prime minister. I prepare to step out into the unknown…

1 January 2085

I wake. Is it heaven or hell? One thing is for certain: it is a room. A voice, strange but familiar, comes from a dark corner.

“Welcome back, John. The processes we put in place have finally come to fruition. New Zealand now has the technology to bring back from the abyss a select number of its former citizens. 

“Of course, as New Zealand’s most popular prime minister, you were second on the list. Don’t worry, you won’t be lonely. All of your cabinet colleagues will be back, not to mention Winston and Cunliffe as well. Together we can pick up where we left off. Best of all, with this new technology, we are practically immortal.”

The voice steps forward from the shadows. I cannot suppress a gasp when I see it is Moonbeam. 

Moonbeam smiles and says:

“Don’t worry, old boy, you are going to be Prime Minister for quite a while yet.”

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