An Imperator Fish exclusive.

The news will shock you, but I can today reveal that John Key is a PSYCHOPATH!

Don’t believe me? Then consider the evidence.

• He has a business background. It’s a sure tell.
• Psychopaths are often violent, vicious, cruel and sadistic. There’s no evidence that John Key has murdered anyone, and we don’t know for sure that he has an elaborate torture chamber built into the basement of his luxury Parnell home. On the other hand, he would hardly advertise this sort of thing, would he? So we have to assume the worst.
• He is sending our nation on the wrong path, even though a number of people will disagree with my assessment.
• He has more money than I do.
• He’s more articulate than the politicians I support.
• The eyes! Watch the eyes! Yes, he has two eyes. So do most psychopaths.
• He twists the truth far too often. Unlike all those other politicians.
• His tweets aren’t genuine. Someone else is writing and posting them. The horror!
• A lot of people like John Key, which I don’t understand. But then psychopaths are often cunning and exploitative.
• Hitler. etc.
• I don’t like him.
• He often says things I disagree with.
• I don’t think he cares about me.
• He doesn’t listen to me.
• He probably doesn’t even know who I am.