So the secret is out, and you now all know where I have been for the last few days.

I knew this was coming. That’s why I took a short break. The good news, though, is that I have got my team organised and we’re ready for the contest. I’ve got a great group of people around me*, and now it’s time to step up and take the plunge.

Yes, that’s right. I am putting my name forward to contest the leadership of the Labour Party.

Before I go too far with this, let me deal with the most obvious objection. No, I’m not a member of Labour’s caucus, and Rule 308 of the party’s constitution expressly states that the leader must be an MP.

But this isn’t necessarily fatal. If the party will agree to drag this leadership contest out for an extra few extra weeks, that will give me time to get myself elected as MP. I’ll need a safe Labour seat, and I’m going to need the incumbent to resign to force a byelection.

I know it’s asking a lot, calling on someone to resign. But here I go:

Righto, so that’s the first objection dealt with. But you’re probably also wondering what I can bring to the role that others can’t. Let me lay out the qualities I would bring to the position, and the reasons why you need to support me.

• I’m a popular guy. My Facebook page has over 300 likes. I also run New Zealand’s top political blog, assuming you ignore all the more popular ones.
• I have no conscience, and I will say and do anything to get elected. That’s a plus, right?
• If I become PM I will turn New Zealand into a one-party state. That means no more troublesome and expensive elections, and it also means that the party will always be in the right on every issue.
• Things will get done. Sick of your train running late all the time? I can fix that!
• If you don’t support me and I win anyway, then God help you. Yes, that is a threat.

So please, party members, affiliates and MPs, give me your support and elect me to lead the Labour Party.

* Thanks, Clayton W, for the powerful strategic advice, and a special thanks to the Corrections Department for being so accommodating.