I am preparing a long list of excuses to justify Len Brown’s behaviour, and to explain why it really isn’t that bad. I am also working on a series of explanations for the various freebies Brown got and why they aren’t a big deal, and how everyone else is doing it, and… LOOK, JOHN BANKS!

I will publish these excuses and justifications as and when they come to me, but here is what I’ve got so far.

Len Brown needs to stay on as mayor because he’s done wonders for Auckland, and he’s got people talking about the city I live in. We’re finally on the map! We’re now being compared with a number of desirable international destinations. Like Toronto.

Okay, so it’s not the first time Mayor Len has been caught out. Remember the furore over his credit card when he was Manukau City mayor? But who hasn’t made mistakes in the past? Who amongst us can honestly say they haven’t been caught out spending up on the ratepayers’ account while leading one of New Zealand’s biggest cities?

And who hasn’t gone into the Ngati Whatua Room and immediately thought “I want to have sex here”?

If you had been subjected to the relentless pressure Len has, you too would have cracked. You too would have had an affair with a person many years your junior, failed to declare various hotel gifts and upgrades, racked up large phone bills while pursuing the object of your infatuation, and been less than completely honest with the ratepayers of your city.

This is all part of a campaign by evil right-wingers plotting to take down a democratically elected mayor. If Len Brown steps down it will be a tragedy for democracy, and something or other about the march of fascism.

Give Len a chance here, people. He can change. He dealt with his credit card problem in emphatic fashion, and he’ll overcome these latest problems, if only we leave him be, and let him get on with the important job of making Auckland City an international comedy destination. He simply couldn’t keep that damn credit card in his pocket, so in the end he fixed the problem by taking to it with a pair of scissors. Len has again had trouble keeping something in his pants, although I don’t think even his harshest critics want to see him get the scissors out again.

Anyway, it could be worse. Brown hasn’t (as far as I know) been filmed smoking crack.

Len Brown can come back from this. I know it! His political career may look terminal right now, but he wouldn’t be the first person to rise from the dead. Remember a bloke called Jesus?