A day in the life of Matthew Hooton

IF Day in Life6:08 am

I had a dream last night, in which Shane Jones walked away from the Labour Party and became the leader of New Zealand First. Winston retired from politics and went on to set up a bird rescue centre in a remote spot in the Raukumura Range, but the centre was burned down after two teenagers high on glue broke in and set it alight. The delicious smells of hundreds of roasted native birds attracted the attentions of the poor for miles around, and before long there was a riot, as desperate and hungry people tore at each other to get into the still-burning sanctuary. Several people suffered severe burns, but everyone agreed that it was the best feast the East Coast had seen for years.

I awoke in a fever and ran to my computer, and in seconds flat I had my NBR column finished.

7:12 am

Checked my iPredict stocks. There doesn’t seem much appetite for a move by Winston into the bird sanctuary industry. Disappointing. Decided to rewrite my column to take that bit out.

7:47 am

Was reading the newspaper over breakfast, and then started to wonder what would happen if David Cunliffe decided to join the Internet Party. It could happen. Cunliffe hasn’t been reported as meeting with Dotcom at any time, which is itself suspicious. What is he hiding? Are they meeting in secret? Is a full Labour-Internet Party merger on the cards?

9: 31 am

Cunliffe’s refusal to fess up to secret meetings with Kim Dotcom is lying by omission. Therefore, David Cunliffe is a liar. I will make this point during my regular weekly slot on the radio today.

11:52 am

I don’t understand Mike Williams. He’s a wet leftie, and yet he keeps agreeing with everything I say. It may be time for some serious soul-searching. Have I lost my edge? Have I become soft and centrist in my old age? I have to pull myself together!

12:40 pm

I got back to my office, still feeling down and wondering who or what to believe. I didn’t like the way this felt. So I closed the door, leaned back in my chair, and thought about Helen Clark. The more I thought about Helen Clark the angrier I got. I remembered why I hate socialists so much, and I immediately felt much better. Let that wet leftie Mike Williams agree with me if he wants. It doesn’t mean I’ve gone soft. It just shows that I can deliver a devastating and convincing argument.

3: 07 pm

Was thinking about all the lies David Cunliffe must have told the people around him over the years. Like when he was a kid and lied to his parents about cleaning his room, or at University when he lied to his tutor when asked whether he’d read all the course materials.

And just think of all those everyday little lies we tell our children. Did David Cunliffe lie to his children about the existence of Santa Claus?

If I could just uncover some of those lies. Maybe Cameron can do some digging.

3:32 pm

I’m immensely intelligent, and I’m also right-wing. It’s no coincidence.

So how can someone as well educated as Cunliffe be a leftie? That’s the biggest lie of all.

4:43 pm

I rang Shane and asked if he was joining New Zealand First.

“Notwithstanding you prognostications, Matthew, I have no plans at this time to paddle myself over to another waka. I am enfolded in Labour’s loving arms, and in her embrace I will take my pleasure,” he said.

“Winston and I are old mates, etcetera, but this is pure mischief-making, as you well know.”

A denial is as good as confirmation. It’s on! Quick! To iPredict!

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