Humphrey Horswell, leader of the Telegram Party, today confirmed that there are no plans to merge with the Internet Party.

Horswell, who recently returned to the party after an absence to deal with delicate matters of a domestic nature, said rumours that the Telegram Party had been in talks with Kim Dotcom’s fledgling party were utterly false.

“Now sirs, please be so good as to allow me once and for all put to an end any speculation that we, a respectable and decent organisation of law-abiding gentlemen, would have anything to do with this foreign gentleman and his noxious political beliefs,” said Mr Horswell.

“While we do not deny that the great German nation has brought enlightenment and civilisation to some of the most savage parts of Africa, we must also be mindful of the aggressive Prussian militancy that threatens peace throughout Europe.”

Horswell said that the Telegram Party would not allow its core policies to be diluted or confused through an association with another political party.

“By god we won’t have it, sir!” shouted Horswell. “Not for a moment!

“This bold German fellow appears to be labouring under the illusion that he may come to this country and carry on spreading messages of lawlessness and licentiousness through a bewildering array of electrical contraptions, and all without any consequences for himself. I urge the local constabulary to take vigorous and aggressive measures to squash this appalling and depraved political movement before it is too late.

Humphrey Horswell

“Where, I ask you, will this all end? What shall become of us all if this man secures political influence? Shall we soon see young people being discourteous to their elders? Shall workers begin to question their employers? Shall young wives take it upon themselves to scandalise their husbands in honour of one man’s unspeakably perverted libertarian creed?

“No, we won’t have it! The Telegram Party stands for decency, respect, and duty. D—n this Dotcom fellow! He ought to be horsewhipped out of town forthwith.

“God save the Queen!”